I’m sitting at my desk, in my office, listening to the sound of my Mum’s dog breathing as he sleeps on the floor beside me. Two floors down, the boys are working on the basement floor. I’m debating how much I should share here, how raw I should be. As a typical gemini, part of me wants to keep this pristine, sculpted and shared once each post has been carefully worded and edited. The other part wants to be honest, free, and express exactly what I’m going through.
Seeing as how the Restrained Twin has been forced to be in control lately, due to the circumstances I’m about to explain, I’m going to let Emotional Twin take the reins for a bit.
Tuesday afternoon, my Mum was taken to the General hospital by her best friend, Karin, and myself. She was disoriented, extremely weak and not looking right.
It is now Thursday, and she’s still there. I am her legal caregiver, and her eldest daughter. I have been doing my best to see that she has everything she needs, while still taking care of the move and the sale of our house. They don’t know 100% what’s wrong yet, though they suspect it’s a condition of the blood, caused by the many years of chemo in which the platelets in the blood are attaching themselves to a certain protein and hulk smashing their way through the rest of the cells, leaving everything damaged and my Mum in an awful state.
I have cried a lot this week. I have to be strong, and brave. I have to tell myself that she is going to walk out of that hospital in a couple of days, annoyed at herself for letting it get so bad and happy to be back at her computer, playing bejeweled. Today, I smelled of feces, sweat and hospital disinfectant. I carried the woman who has carried me countless times. My heart is broken for her, and for my family, as they turn to me in their fear, hoping for answers that I don’t have.
I have been pulling my strength from the Earth lately. When I feel faint, when I feel like the tide is going to overwhelm me, I plant my feet and borrow some of it’s power to get through. Pat has been by my side this entire time, and I’m so thankful. Without him, I would be lost.
Our families have really pulled together lately. His brother and brother-in-law are here now, helping out. His sister cooked us dinner and cookies. My best friend, Isaac, was here, helping me pack with Pat’s brother’s wife. My brothers are going to get the house in Orleans all ready for the move. Without this support, I don’t know what we’d do.
I feel… like Alice. I’m in Wonderland with no map, no rabbit and no hatter to lead the way. I have to keep my footing and continue forward. At least with the move, I’m staying busy and pre-occupied so that I don’t let myself think too much about the possibility that Mum may not recover from this.
There’s a friend, someone I’ve loved and was very very close with. I considered her a sister. We don’t talk anymore. We went our separate ways years ago after the friendship became toxic. At the time, I thought I was the only one suffering, but apparently, she was unhappy too. I desperately want to email her, talk to her, get her support and comfort, but I know i can’t. I don’t have that right anymore, and I know it’s taking advantage of her. I’m not ready to rekindle the friendship in earnest, and it would be wrong to engage her in this and then disappear again.
I dreamt of her the other night. I was a part of some kind of group (knitting, crafting, hobby, whatever). It was a large group that met at a members house every month. This month I showed up to find myself in The Friend’s apartment. I was so fascinated with her objects. I went through her apartment, room by room, looking at everything, happy for her, and wanting to learn about her and her new life. Seeing her, I felt a yearning to be close with her again, and a heart break at everything we had lost. She was so kind, in the dream, so forgiving and supportive…I felt such a strong pull to her, even once I woke up, I almost tried to contact her. I know that I can’t.
I need to get back to work. I have so much packing left. Please, keep my Mum in your thoughts and prayers. We are not ready for this fight to be over yet.