I’m trying to figure out how to move on from this place. I’m functioning. I’m not usually a blubbering mess, but I’m hurt in an extremely profound way. My mother’s death has broken my heart, but the subsequent family drama has nearly broken my spirit. I can’t get into details, because of the legal issues surrounding the whole thing, but I can say that my loss has been much greater than I could have imagined.
I find myself full of fear, anger and denial. I don’t want to accept any of it, and it would be so easy to walk over that line of sanity and lie to myself that Mum is still here and that we, as a clan, aren’t broken. Too easy. I feel the fire and acid of rage and hurt bubbling away in my stomach. I feel the swallowed screams and rants sitting like a burning lump of coal in my chest. I need to move forward. I need to honour my Mother and do what is right for me. I need to grieve and heal and go on with my life.
I just wish I knew how.
I’m trying to infuse elements of regular life back in. I’m trying to refocus on the wedding stuff. I have my hair trial booked, my first dress fitting. I got my hair cut, finally. I’ve been playing with makeup and watching bad tv. I had a job interview. These are all good steps, but nothing is touching the deep seeded badness. I know it’ll take time, but I’d love any suggestions you might have for me. Meanwhile, here’s the new hair:
In the mean time, Pat and I are no longer moving into the family home. We’re staying put until the estate is settled and then we’ll start looking. I’m daydreaming about a house like this:
For now, I’m going to enjoy my oatmeal and my coffee and wait for my sister to call. I’m heading back to the Family Home for the night for a girly sleepover night. This weekend, Pat and I are unpacking and visiting with his family. Oh, I want to share the prettiest Tarot deck ever. Can’t wait to own my very own copy!