I’m trying to figure out how to move on from this place. I’m functioning. I’m not usually a blubbering mess, but I’m hurt in an extremely profound way. My mother’s death has broken my heart, but the subsequent family drama has nearly broken my spirit. I can’t get into details, because of the legal issues surrounding the whole thing, but I can say that my loss has been much greater than I could have imagined.

I find myself full of fear, anger and denial. I don’t want to accept any of it, and it would be so easy to walk over that line of sanity and lie to myself that Mum is still here and that we, as a clan, aren’t broken. Too easy. I feel the fire and acid of rage and hurt bubbling away in my stomach. I feel the swallowed screams and rants sitting like a burning lump of coal in my chest. I need to move forward. I need to honour my Mother and do what is right for me. I need to grieve and heal and go on with my life.

I just wish I knew how.

I’m trying to infuse elements of regular life back in. I’m trying to refocus on the wedding stuff. I have my hair trial booked, my first dress fitting. I got my hair cut, finally. I’ve been playing with makeup and watching bad tv. I had a job interview. These are all good steps, but nothing is touching the deep seeded badness. I know it’ll take time, but I’d love any suggestions you might have for me.  Meanwhile, here’s the new hair:

So much curlier! Yay!

In the mean time, Pat and I are no longer moving into the family home. We’re staying put until the estate is settled and then we’ll start looking. I’m daydreaming about a house like this:

For now, I’m going to enjoy my oatmeal and my coffee and wait for my sister to call. I’m heading back to the Family Home for the night for a girly sleepover night. This weekend, Pat and I are unpacking and visiting with his family. Oh, I want to share the prettiest Tarot deck ever. Can’t wait to own my very own copy!

Stephanie Pui-Mun Law's Fool Card from her Shadowscape deck

The Fool

4 thoughts on “Healing

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words strong enough for this type of grief, but I’m sending you a hug.

    Grief comes to us each as individuals, and there is no “One way” to get through it. You simply need to remember that your Mom loved you, and would want you to be happy. The process takes however long it takes for you, there is no “time limit”, and no “fixing” it. It simply is, and you’ll find your way through.

    Keep your loved ones near, and make sure you tell them verbally and by your actions that you love them and appreciate their support. Make sure you say the words you need to say. Because we never know when the clock will tick down.

    Hugs to you and yours.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and your hug :) It’s hard to remember that grief is such an individual and unique experience for everyone. Even within myself, each death effects me differently.

      Thanks again <3

  2. ‘Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.’ – Alan Watts

    There is nothing you can do but live. Don’t live for your mother. Live for you.

    I miss my daddy, but I see him in every sunset, every gently waving pine. I cry on my birthday when he doesn’t call, and yet when I’m crying I get buzzed by a butterfly and have to laugh.

    He’s been gone for 7 years now…and I won’t lie to you- it sucks! You never stop missing them, but the pain dulls and gets lighter. Life moves on, and death is one of the only certainties we face.

    Hold, Heather, and breathe. Plan, and feel. Cry and punch pillows and rage. Don’t push yourself – but don’t bottle it in. Just be water, and let it flow.


    • *big big hugs* Thanks hon. I lost my Dad two years ago, and I think I was just getting to a place with his death that I was able to remember him with a smile, rather than tears. It will take time, and like you say, it will always suck, but I hope that butterflies will keep making me laugh and that eventually, I’ll be able to smile more then I think of my parents, rather than cry.

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