Today would have been my mother’s birthday. I went through journals last night, trying to figure out what was going on this time last year. I didn’t remember that we went to The Turkish Village with everyone. I didn’t remember that we were getting the house painted and that I was supposed to move in a couple of days later. All I really remembered was that Mum was starting to slow down, but that we still had a great time together, and that I was excited about living with her again.
In her honour, as a birthday gift to her, I made a donation to the Canadian Cancer Society. If you are like me, so many of you are, and have lost someone to Cancer, I hope that today you find a moment of peace. A moment of solace from the pain and the loss. I hope that someone in your life makes you smile, gives you a hug and shows you that you will get through this.
It’s been a year, and there are still really hard days. It’s been a year, and the estate is still a mess and my family has been completely changed. But it has been a year. I go through most days without tears now. I remember Mum with smiles and laughter, mostly. I fill myself with her strength and single-minded determination when facing my hardships. I remind myself that all she wanted for her daughters is for us to be happy and healthy. I remind myself of that, especially today, and thing of ways to honour her in that.
I’m thinking about taking some yoga classes. Maybe getting back into art. I’ve spent so much of this year toiling and fighting against a current of hatred, pain and unkindness. I need to take some time and take care of me. I have gained about 40 lbs since my father died and I feel every one of those pounds. I’m not saying that I want to be thin and hot. What I want is to be healthy. To feel right in my body, rather than this persistent sickness that sits inside.
Yesterday, Kaitlin posted a link on Twitter to The Fly Lady. It really made me think about dealing with the house in small ways. Reclaiming it from the clutter and disorder of the past year. I can’t believe that a year ago, we were almost ready to sell.
Thursday, my sisters-in-law and I are going to do some shopping. A great little shop in town is having a end-of-season sale and we want to try and snag some cute clothes and jewelry for spring. I am really REALLY looking forward to some girl time, and some mindless fun. In less than a week, my dear friend (who happens to be one of The Exes) is coming to town for work and we’re planning on hanging out. Also, on the 2nd, Sarah and I have plans to get together and get pedicures together at the same spa that we went to before my wedding before heading out to our mutual friends’ Bridal Shower. After the shower, Pat’s cousin is in town for her 30th birthday and so we’re all getting together. I need this. I need good, kind people in my life right now. I need to feel like the world can be good and sweet again. Michelle, of New Orleans, gave me hope. I need to see more of this more regularly.
I don’t want to sit at home, playing video games, watching TV and doing nothing anymore. I want to experience something again. I need to wake up.
Anyway, it’s a hard day, but I’m trying to find the positive in it. Mum was an amazing woman who changed so many lives. We were blessed to have her as long as we did. Not sure what I’m going to do with myself later. Maybe some cleaning, maybe some drawing or something. We’ll see.
Take some time today to tell those you love how important they are to you. Give your parents and siblings a big hug. Support someone who is supporting another. Give the love of your life a big kiss. Enjoy what you have.