Pressure

I keep trying to plug away at Liam’s 4 month post (and now 5 month post). Knowing I have those to do, I freeze. I don’t know how to write until I get those done. The pressure I put on myself is ridiculous, and I’m starting to realise that I have more important things to worry about. I enjoy posting, so why sabotage myself?

 
Monday is the anniversary of my dad’s death. It will be four years since he died suddenly at home. My whole life changed that day. Every year, around this time, I find myself struggling. I don’t sleep well, I get moody, and I want to hide away with a giant cake, 15 blankets, a gallon of tea and a good book. As a mom, I don’t get that option anymore. I need to keep pressing on. I need to survive on a max of 6 hours interrupted sleep in a 12 hr period. I need to smile, laugh, sing and dance through puke, screams, teething and poopsplosions. Luckily, my kid is adorable, sassy and incredibly charming. 
 
I look for comfort in other places. I will make a pot of tea like I used to for Dad and I. I will use the tea cups he bought me because he knew I’d appreciate them. I will call my sister and we will do what we can to make each other laugh, despite how sad we both feel. 
 
Yesterday, I pulled this old thing out
 Image
This thing has been around forever. Mum had to send box tabs from Tang boxes to get it. For some reason, I always thought juice tasted better when served from it. It’s a small reminder of my childhood, back before things got complicated by half siblings, drama with estates and illness. Back when my parents’ best friends were aunts and uncles to me, not someone I had to impress and party with to stay on their good side. 
 
Remembering life with my parents and my sister helps me figure out how I want to raise Liam. The kind of people I want around him and the kind of experiences I want him to have. It’s sad, but at the same time, there are so many beautiful times to remember. So many sweet little things to draw comfort from. 
 
I’ll get to our milestone posts when I can. In the mean time, I’m going to post more random things when I can. 

3 thoughts on “Pressure

  1. Pingback: Four Years « Heap of Love

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