And just like that, I find myself snuggled up in a blanket, alone in our cool basement while our boys are upstairs watching netflix and eating Pizza. It is yet another typical New Years Eve for this household. I can’t remember one where one of us hasn’t been sick. This year, it’s my turn. My whole body aches and I am perpetually freezing (which probably means I have a fever brewing).
2015. Can you believe it? It’s been one hell of a year to get to this point. Lots of highs and lows. I have to say though, I am watching this year come to a close with relief and with excitement for the coming year. 2014 was a hard year for many. We are not excluded from that. There were some incredible highs though, so I do still look back at this time fondly. Shall we recap? Why not.
January: We started this year much like we will 2015 I think, with some coughs, sneezes and late nights. To counter that, and to pass the time, I taught myself how to crochet. Since then, I have made several items. Some better than others. Want to see? Take a look.
February: Tracy, my amazing sister, started getting things in motion to get her gallery, LoveCraft Gallery going. I am so incredibly proud. Also, one of my best friends had her twin boys and my heart exploded with jooooooy. I picked up our family history again, had a hard time with my meds (changed doctors), and realized how awesome my friends are. Oh, and I started knitting again. Unfortunately, we got word that Pat’s aunt was terminally ill, which brought up tons of emotions for all of us. We started focusing on our health and diet.
March: We made a road trip to Montreal to attend the celebration of life of Pat’s aunt. I enjoyed our last bit foray into babywearing. Liam loved our Tula and our ring slings. I also went to Brockville to attend and teach at a babywearing meet up there. I continued with our health journey and incorporating Rhythm into our lives. I also won the CTV Makeover contest, which happened in April…
April: Makeover makeover MAKEOVER! :D Also, Liam got Roseola. Fun. Liam turned two. Tracy started her kickstarter for the Gallery. We got the stomach flu and delayed Easter/Ostara.
May: I started and quit the Feel Great in 8 Program. Oh well. I had the best of intentions :P On the plus side, I did get an early birthday present out of the deal: The Fitbit Flex, which had a huge impact on getting me moving more. I was added to the social media team at Belly Laughs, which showed me how much I love it as a profession. We had a really awful couple of incidents at the park (a child was attacked by a dog, and the boys played in a puddle of bleach). I learned how much the internet has had a major impact in my relationships, specifically by bringing some amazing people into my life.
June: June was awesome. My girls took me out for my birthday, I did my first youtube video for the store and it was a hit, we attended our first powwow. We fell in love with a house and came super close to buying it.
July: July started out less awesome…Liam had HFM, which meant we were locked away for a couple of weeks until he was no longer catchy. No. Fun. This was also the month that we decided that we were really serious about moving. Every weekend for the next few months would be dedicated to house hunting and getting our place ready for sale.
August: August was hard. Started out with lots of hard work, me being overwhelmed by the world and life situation of moving limbo, and we hit the breaking point with Liam’s sleep. At almost 2.5 years old, he was waking up between 3-7 times a night to nurse. Each night. Without fail. So, despite a crazy time already, we decided to sleep train. It was a VERY difficult week for me, but it was life changing. He has been sleeping through the night ever since. One afternoon, while out and about, I was heckled by a stranger because of my weight. For some reason, I let this go. I turned it into a lesson. This was my real entrance into the Body Acceptance movement. Also, we put an offer on our dream house…We got so very close only to discover that it was going to be too much work for us to take on. We decided to keep looking.
September: September was a month of waiting. We kept looking for houses every weekend, we finished up getting our place ready for listing. Pat and I both started the 21 Day Fix program and had good success with it (which I have since gained back, btw). Tracy and I came up with the last minute plan of having her visit in October. We booked and planned and waited.
October: This was a strange month. In Canada, October is when we celebrate thanksgiving. I spent the whole month living around the idea of thankfulness. Counting my blessings. I had a wonderful visit with my sister, whom I hadn’t seen in almost a year and a half. We saw friends, had wonderful weather and a really great Thanksgiving. With Tracy in town, we celebrated “Christmalloween”, which was so much fun. After she left, we had a great time taking Liam out for trick or treating. October was also when our city was shaken. The shootings at the War Memorial and at Parliament was incredibly difficult for us and it really put things in perspective. Following the shooting, news about Jian Ghomeshi hit the news and I decided to share my story as a woman who has been sexually assaulted and have not gone to the police about it.
November: This was a hard month for me. After my sister went home, I found myself slipping into a deep depression. November is a grey cold time here in Ottawa, and I think the combination of this and missing my family really hit home. I struggled, a lot. On top of that, life seemed to get a hoot out of kicking us while we were down. Our car died, requiring expensive fixes the same week that I was cut from doing Social Media at Belly Laughs (and my hours dropped significantly). This was also when we really came to terms with not being able to move. We just can’t get what we want for the price we can afford. Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system in place and they encouraged me to see my dr, which I did. Properly medicated and supported, my depression lifted. I also decided to focus my anxiety into crafting (which has always been immensely calming for me). I managed to knit and crochet a ton, finally finishing a sweater for Liam and doing another commissioned piece for a friend.
December: Here we are. December. I left my work at Belly Laughs with a heavy heart and have taken a step forward into the unknown. We have had a wonderful holiday, with Pat having two weeks off following his birthday mid-month. Liam got his first hair cut and has been growing like a weed. It’s insane how grown up he seems now. Money is incredibly tight, perhaps dangerously so, but we are doing what we can. I’ve spent time with friends and family. We’ve been sick off and on. We were spoiled at Yule and Christmas. We are happy. I had a moment. I saw a tweet last week. It was a total “Aha Moment” for me. It seems to simple, so obvious, but it just clicked. Finally clicked. I can’t seem to find it, of course, now that I am looking for it, but I found essentially the exact same thing over at Dress a Day. Hell, it may have originated from them for all I know. Anyway, here it is:
You Don’t Have to Be Pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.
It is from this post here. Read it. Please. It’s important.
I will post about this more later, but reading this, feeling what I felt, this is important. And note worthy.
- Take an art or craft course of some kind. Quilting, pottery, whatever. Something creative that gets me out of the house and around other people who want to be creative as well Nope, didn’t happen. I did, however, get back into crafting so I’ll take that as a success.
- Live a healthier lifestyle and ideally get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Well, sort of. I started this. The weight aspect I am no longer concerned about.
- Visit my parents at the cemetery No, and honestly, I’m ok with that.
- Clean up computers and photos Kind of? I started anyway.
- Continue to write Yes :)
- Put down my phone and play more. Of and on. It’s been a bad year for screen time.
- Finish a sweater project for Liam YES.
- Have dates with Pat. At home, yes.
- Manage our money better Not so much.
So, coming back to that tweet that clicked with me. One of my goals last year was to be kind. In a round about way, it was also to be more kind to myself. Read the whole post here if you want more details, but I get into fat shaming, body acceptance, etc… It was almost a year to the day that I wrote that down, but I am finally back on that road. I do not need to be pretty. I am perfect the way that I am. I do not owe anyone a god damned thing. This is me, this is it. For better or worse, at this weight, 196lbs, 20lbs less or 40lbs more, this is who I am and my value does not change. I want to be healthier, and happier in my body, but I no longer want to feel like I owe my husband my thinness, or my old friends the way I looked in my 20s. This is me. If it’s not good enough, it is your loss. Kindly fuck off so that I can stop wasting my time on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
Tiptoeing into 2015, I think of that and what it means. Here it is, my goal for this coming year: Body acceptance, and finding joy and love within myself for myself.
As for the little things? Well, they are fun too.
- Make time for my husband and our relationship
- Continue to nurture my creativity
- Continue on the path to living a healthier life
- Be more present in the moment.
- Let go of the material. It doesn’t define me.
Thank you for following me on this journey. I can’t wait to see what the new year brings for all of us.