A bit more serious

The last while I have been thinking about this blog, and my audience (hi new folks!). I have some things that have been brewing in my mind lately, but I am concerned about the sudden change of tone. A while ago, I sent a question to Meghan Tonjes about this very point and, though not a blogger, she encouraged me to write what feels right, and my audience will either choose to read or not. There’s no point in stressing about it. So, here we go.

My theme/resolution this year is self love, and self acceptance. I have been doing a lot of thinking and working on the barriers that I have to truly being me and loving myself.

I’m not sure if this is typical of someone of my age/phase of life, but things seem to just be clicking lately. I seem to understand or “discover” certain things about myself, or in the world that I identity with and suddenly things make sense. I have been thinking about the last few years and how my friendships and life have changed so much. It occurs to me that while I miss some of my old friends, I do not regret the life I have now in anyway. Word that an old friend thought I had “let myself go”, and had become boring and lame reached me recently. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Sure, I used to talk about travel all the time. I used to want to move abroad for a few years, I wanted to teach English and have grand adventures. I wanted a family, sure, but I craved excitement and change (not atypical for a teenager).

Me, a million years ago.

Me, a million years ago.

Then, my whole world changed with my parents being ill. Suddenly I was anchored here, and life became far too exciting and my whole world became unsure. Is it any wonder that I have since decided that I love being in my home, surrounded by my loves? Sure, I still enjoy adventure, but it isn’t a yearning any more. Instead, I crave family, solid friendships, reliable people. Maybe this means I’ve grown up, maybe I have become boring… I just need to remind myself that in the span of 5 years, I went through an incredible amount of trauma and loss. I have earned this time of rest. Oh, and fuck anyone who feels that I owe them beauty, thinness, and any kind of excitement or stories. My kid’s development and my latest crafts may bore the shit out of you, but it’s my life and I’m happy. Don’t like it? Don’t be a part of it.

This is my life now <3

This is my life now <3

The next thing is incredibly personal. I considered posting this solely on Tumblr, but I think that this is important. This has to do with sexuality (specifically, mine). So, if that sort of thing isn’t your cup of tea, I would recommend moving on.

I have been reading a lot about LGBT+ rights lately and have been feeling so many difficult things. You see, I have identified as bisexual for a long time. I have not been open about it these days because my parents were homophobic and I faced a lot of negative reaction in my 20s. Specifically, I have been told that I don’t fall under the Queer umbrella, that I am a “fake” because I married a man. I was in this local online group, about 10 years ago, while I was trying to sort out my sexuality and I was thinking about coming out. There was this one woman in the group who was kind of a leader to many of us. She confronted me one day and announced that because I hadn’t been in a relationship with a woman, wasn’t “out”, and was currently with a man, that I wasn’t really bisexual, that I was faking it, participating in a trend. She accused me of being a tease to woman for the sake of attention. I was in such a vulnerable place and her words hurt so badly. It shut me down. I bottled everything up and hid it all away.

Recently, I have been reading more about pansexuality and feel like perhaps that is a better identity for me, because I find that I am attracted to a person due who they are, rather than based on any sort of gender identity they have. I have heard that pansexuality is considered transphobic because it separates trans folk out of the gender binary of bisexuality, but I don’t think I agree. Anyway, through my reading I have seen that it is extremely common for bi/pan folks to be excluded and ignored from the LGTB+ community, and that my experience wasn’t uncommon at all. I believe so strongly in equal rights for all people, and inclusion of all people, that I feel that it is time for me to share all of this. To be out, outspoken and to claim my place in the queer community. This is terrifying to me, but that’s why I have to do it. I have so much to learn, but it’s part of who I am. I deserve this. heathernow

4 thoughts on “A bit more serious

  1. I am similar in feeling. Although I’m primarily physically attracted to men, I have, from time to time, found a woman who just intrigues & attracts me. The community I live in would roast me alive if I came out, so – I don’t.

    • It is so sad that a community that uses a rainbow to represent itself so often clings to black and white. I believe in the Kinsey scale idea of sexuality. Sort of…people are more gay than others. If that makes sense.

  2. This is a really important conversation for you to have with your readers and yourself–great job, Hezz. This is your space, and it is what you need it to be. Nothing but support from over here <3

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