The new year. A new beginning, full of opportunities.
2018 was intense. So much so in fact that some of it is a blur to me. It was one of the hardest years of my life. I have thought about making a post a thousand times and even now that I’m here, typing, I have no idea what to say or how to start.
At the end of the summer, my marriage ended. It was such a monumental thing that it is still on going. I’m still in the depths of it. I’m not going to discuss the hows and the whys right now, or maybe even ever, but it has shaken me to my very core and I have been trying to put one foot in front of the other ever since. The kids don’t know, and won’t until things are sorted and basically done, which makes it even harder. We are cohabitating by necessity, which as you can imagine, is not an easy thing.
Through all of this, I saw many people leave my life. It’s strange how some friendships can’t survive hardships. On the other hand, I’ve also had some relationships strengthen and become a lifeline for me. I’ve had some friendships renew and become even stronger than ever before. The people who love me and support me through this are truly lifesavers and family to me.
I have also been given some amazing opportunities. I was in a commercial for a skincare line I truly love and support. While I struggle with some self-love and body acceptance, I have had trouble celebrating how I look in it, but have decided to share it anyway because I am proud.
I had a friend who didn’t know about the campaign DM me on instagram asking if I had just been on a commercial on youtube. I think it was pretty surreal for both of us.
Another big thing that 2018 brought was my love for bullet journaling and drawing. I really have tried to use my bujo as a way to bring peace, gratitude, organization, and creativity into my life. If anyone is interested, I have lots of pages and spreads on my instagram. I would also be happy to write a post about BuJo and Art journaling if there is interest. I want to try to get back into reviewing makeup too but I am taking baby steps back into blogging. I hope you all understand.
So, now that you know where I’ve been, I want to take this opportunity to thank you for reading, for visiting my humble little home on the internet and for being patient with me while I try to find my way back to myself and through the journey of being a single mom.
I’m so sorry, friends. I keep meaning to come back and write, share a review, anything, but the words just don’t come. At least they haven’t until now.
Things have been hard lately, folks. My depression is rearing it’s ugly head and is back in full force. At the moment, it’s not the heartbreaking constant sadness. Instead it’s the exhaustion, full body aches and pain, the lack of motivation to do anything at all and a total lack of fucks. For a bit there, I struggled to find the energy to dress myself, to shower and to brush my teeth.
Part of it is the weather, and how difficult the holidays are when you have lost people. On top of that, there is our financial struggles and the stress of not being able to afford the holidays. I can’t really get into much more right now, but there are other things that have been hard for me and weighing on me.
Yesterday it occurred to me that I’ve been neglecting so much in my life. Yes, there are some crappy things going on, crappy things that have happened, but if I let myself fail and fall, what will they show my children? What will be left to care for them? So, I’m taking steps to get back on track. I’m walking as much as I can, at least 2km a day. I work out a couple days a week at home. I am trying to get back into bullet journalling and spending more quality time with my family. I’m making lists and getting back into work. It’s hard, but just like with my walks, the most important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To just keep going.
It’s been a long time now since I’ve written a personal post. 2016 has been kicking our asses. Between that and having two crazy kids, I don’t have much time to give sitting down and writing about real life stuff, if that makes any sense. I’m actually fighting a nasty cold at the moment, which means that I have a bit of time to sit and just write.
Mason is 9 months old, almost 10 months. Liam has started school. How is this possible? Where has time gone? It’s been a pretty good transition, thankfully. Liam loves school and it’s been giving me a bit of a breather during an otherwise stressful time.
We have a lot of personal financial and family stuff going on that I don’t feel comfortable sharing here, but it’s been playing one hell of a toll on my anxiety and depression. Thankfully, my husband’s work has a great EAP program and I’ve been able to get some help. On top of that, I’ve started keeping a bullet journal. It has been amazing at keeping me calm, organized and a place to share what’s going on in my head in a pretty and creative way.
Bullet Journaling is kind of a checklist mixed with a day planner, mixed with a journal. It can be as simple or as involved as you want. It’s very very easy to personalize.
Beyond bullet journaling, I’ve continued to play with and test makeup and other products. I’m toying with the idea of making a youtube channel to compliment this blog, but I’m nervous about the amount of work it would take. I’ve started job hunting again, ideally looking for something either from home or close to home so that we can save on daycare costs by me being with Mason during the day.
So, I know this isn’t a really great update, but I wanted to let you guys know that I’m alive and ok, but not great. We are working on things to improve our situation, but nothing is coming very easily. Happy Fall everyone xo
I don’t know why 30 days make such a difference, but the sudden realization that we have less than half a year left before this little one turns 1 is crazy to me.
It has been a very busy month for us. June is always kind of a crazy time with events (including big brother finishing up his first karate session and graduating from dufferdoo), birthdays (I turned 33, for instance!) and anniversaries (Ours! 6 years married now). Being out and about didn’t slow Mason down at all. He has been getting more and more vocal, more mobile and more himself. He is growing so freaking fast!
Where we are now:
Diaper Size: Pampers Size 4, cloth diapers in size 2
Clothing Size: Depending on the brand, between 9-18months.
Favourite Clothes: Clothes are a struggle with this guy. He is smaller than Liam was, and shaped very differently. He HATES getting dressed and especially hates things going over his head and overalls.
Nicknames: Mace and Macey, bubba, small fry, turd, petit frite
Loves: Rolling, cobra pose, avocados, yelling, banging, splashing, chewing, bouncing, standing, his family, water, Tinga Tinga Tales on Netflix, Cole (the cat), his bunny.
Hates: His carseat and the car, medicine, getting dressed, sleeping.
Updates: His two middle bottom teeth finally broke through and now we are working on the uppers. He is CRANKY teething bear these days. We have been fighting yeast rashes and have had to use disposables while the battle wages. He has started moving around on his own. He rolls around a room, does circles and scoots backwards. He also takes a few steps if we support him standing. He loves to sit up on his own, but has a bad tendency to throw himself over when he’s ready to do something else, resulting in many head bumps. He has been hating naps and sleep lately, which makes for a very tired mama.
He is still refusing the bottle, but has started eating food. His favourites at the moment are avocado and apple slices and peanut butter. He HATES baby cereals and purees with a passion (a puking passion). Peaches seem to cause him to break out in little bumps. He’s finally starting to get a bit better in the carseat, but still doesn’t love it. I still wear him all the time, especially for naps because nothing else works for me. Bath time is his favourite thing EVER.
Half a year. Half a year since this little beastie joined our family and completed it. How is that possible? How has it already been so long? I’m sorry I haven’t really been doing these posts the last few months. Honestly, I’ve been struggling. Post Partum Anxiety has been kicking my butt, and was recently joined by Depression. Meds are being changed up and I’m looking into therapy, but it’s been a challenge. On top of that, there’s been a fair amount of drama and difficulties to deal with in the mean time. All that aside, we’re doing ok. I have great plans of doing some more reviews for you soon, and have even been thinking about starting to do some youtube videos!
Now, on to Mason.
Month 3: In his third Month, Mason met his fellow December baby friend, Phillip. One of my best friends, Crystal, has us over all the time and her sister is in my online December mom group. Our boys got to hang out. What else? Well, we tried Mason in the Jumperoo and he hated it. He also started popping his seat in the ring sling, which frustrated me to no end. He started to roll on to his side from his back. Mason also had his first Easter.
Month 4: Interacting with the world a lot more, loving toys, his playmat is his favourite thing. Holds his head up and tries to roll on to his belly. Begins teething haphazard, but hates teething toys. Tried the jolly jumper but doesn’t really get it. Totally in love with his brother, who turned 4 this month.
Month 5: plays peekaboo, starts giving aggressive kisses (grabs my face with his nails and open mouth kisses me). Chews on everything. Says mama when upset, and parrots “Hiiiiiiiiiiiii”, said Dada once. Rolled back to front and tries to crawl. Very frustrated he can’t move on his own. Takes a step or two if held up. Digging the circle of neglect and the jolly jumper now. We celebrated Mothers Day and went to the Agricultural Museum. Tried some fruit and veggies right before the 6 month mark. Had a very busy Victoria Day weekend with family and friends.
Where we are now:
Diaper Size: Pampers Size 4, cloth diapers in size 2
Clothing Size:Depending on the brand, between 6-12months.
Favourite Clothes: The cold weather had me loving one piece outfits for him. Now that things are heating up, I am LOVING cute shorts, rompers and onesies.
Nicknames: Mace and Macey, bubba, small fry, turd
Loves: Rolling, yelling, banging, splashing, chewing, bouncing, standing, his family, water, his bunny.
Hates: His carseat and the car, medicine, disposable diapers, getting dressed.
Updates: Still teething, no teeth yet. No soothers and no bottles yet. Sigh. Loves to mimic sounds he hears. We swear he can say mama, Dada and Hi. Doesn’t like the outdoors, but is getting better. Lots of wake ups at night again. He’s still in bed with me, which makes the lack of sleep survivable. Still gets worn daily. Loves to stand up (with support)
Oh man, have I ever been meaning to get this up sooner. I’m a whole month late. Geez. Can you believe my oldest is already 4 years old? Well, I’m sure you can. It’s not exactly magic. I’m in shock though. I swear he was a baby yesterday. Today he made himself a snack, got himself dressed and peed all over the bathroom floor.
It’s been a crazy year. Going from 3 to 4 is really a HUGE change. Kids go from babies to kids, just like that. He talks so much now, and has so many opinions. He sees and hears so much. He takes everything in. He’s so excited to start school in the fall and even started preschool this year in preparation. He looooooves dufferdoo. He’s also doing karate once a week, which is the best. We hang out with his friends as much as we can (as much as our schedule and my anxiety allows). His best friend is Isla, who happens to also be one of his oldest friends. He ADORES his cousins Cassidy, Elliot and Wesley. Watching him with his brother is my greatest joy. He is so protective of Mason. He loves him to pieces, even when it’s hard.
Now, for some stats and an interview:
Around 43.25″ tall (about 3.6 feet), 43lbs
Nicknames: Monkey, kiddo, turd, turdmonkey, buddy, baby, big guy.
Diapers: He uses the potty during the day and wears good nights at night.
Noms: This kid is fussy. This has not changed. We’ve been able to add a few food items to his diet, but not much. Seriously. The only things he will eat are: Peanut butter, cucumber, carrots, cantaloupe, milk chocolate, olives, chicken nuggets, french fries, cold uncooked hot dogs, pepperoni, pizza (sometimes), kraft dinner, bologna, satines, waffles, gold fish, ice cream, apples, bananas, frozen blueberries and strawberry yogurt.
It was pretty awesome reading last year’s post. It’s funny that every year I’m like “Oh god, this is the hardest age”. I will say they all have their awful bits and awesome bits. I love how independent he is now. He’s such a PERSON. He has his own likes, dislikes, reactions, emotions, etc… The hardest part is the sass that comes at 4. Oh man, it was like a switch. Suddenly he’s all backtalk, sass, and potty humour.
How old are you? 4
What is your favourite colour? Red
What is your favourite animal? Dinosaur
What is your favourite book? The Animals Alphabet
What is your favourite show? Sarah and Duck (Mummy would also add Paw Patrol, Teen Titans Go, and Curious George)
What is your favourite movie? Big Hero 6 (aka Hiro Hamada)
What is your favourite song? I don’t know
What is your favourite food? Bananas
What is your favourite snack? cheese
What is your favourite outfit? Shorts and soccor ball shirts
What is your favourite game? (goes to get Rayman Video game), Tag and What time is it Mr. Wolf
What is your favourite toy? Buzz Lightyear
Who is your best friend? Isla
What is your favourite thing to do? Play with everyone
What is your favourite thing to do outside? Play at the park
What is your favourite holiday? Tuesday and Halloween
It’s very odd to have depression some days. Yesterday, I broke down in tears to my husband “I feel like I don’t exist, or that I’m fading away. I’m invisible”. In that moment, I was desperate for people to see me, really see me. This morning, I woke up and the last thing I wanted was to be around anyone. I didn’t want to leave the house.
Spring is usually when most people start coming out of their winter blahs. For me, I struggle with loving the season while simultaneously hating how it reminds me of my mother’s death and Liam’s traumatic birth. Add to that that we have been having an incredibly difficult time the last few months…well…I’m not coping. Our financial situation is pretty dire, and I’m not using that word lightly. We are doing what we can to get by, but I feel a huge amount of responsibility for our situation as I am the one currently on maternity leave. On top of that, my husband’s health hasn’t been great and we have no answers. For people who have been surrounded by illness and death, we are both very anxious about this. There is just so much going on, all at once. The kids can feel it and see it, and are acting out accordingly.
I am pushing myself through it. One step at a time, day by day. I am barely able to adult, but I am doing the best I can to pay the bills, make meals and make sure the kids are dressed and don’t stink too badly. We have also added a new member of our little clan. Pat’s dear friend, A, has moved in with us for a while while she deals with some of her own difficult times. So, I’m sorry for being so quiet here and on social media lately. I just don’t know what to say or what to share at the moment.
I’ve been losing myself in beauty videos on youtube. Let me know if you want me to share any links, faves or any of my own stuff. I don’t think I can do videos at the moment with everything that we have going on, but I can certainly try to post more. It’s just tough with a velcro baby and velcro preschooler, on top of an ill husband. Mason’s 4 Month post is coming up in the next couple of days, and I also have plans to post about the Eco Chic Movement baby line soon, so stay tuned.
Thanks for understanding, y’all. I really appreciate you being there through the fun and the hard times.
Man, these holidays have flown by. I can’t believe it’s New Years Eve already. 2015 was a weird one. It felt long. It was not an easy year for us. Here’s the recap.
I started the year hopeful. I had gotten back into crafts, I was super close with friends, and I was excited to be posting more often. I was being approached by companies to do posts and this thrilled me. I took my resolution of self love very seriously and I opened up about being queer. We started trying for baby #2
Started a new fitness plan and tried to eat better. My body was sore and my health wasn’t great. I was struggling with missing my parents. I started backing up old pictures and working on photo albums. Liam turned three! I was told I was having a miscarriage (dr and tests confirmed this) and went through a really difficult time…until it turned out that baby wasn’t going anywhere! Horrible morning sickness, ahoy! Our financial situation is pretty bad, so I went back to work and Pat started job hunting.
We emptied out our storage unit and finally went through all of the stuff from my parents’ estate. Major decluttering began. We became really close with our neighbours and spent a lot of time with them. My fur baby, Byron, had to be put down. I am heartbroken, still, by this. My friends took me to see Sarah Harmer for my birthday. I was sure baby was a girl, we picked a name and I knit her a cute little cardigan. I had a doctor fat shame me and I realized that I had truly come to a place that I loved and valued my body and self, no matter what my size or shape.We found out baby was a boy and we were shocked.
A tough time for my pregnancy. I had a bleed and started having a hard time with pelvic pain. Started nesting and really prepping the house. I started sticking closer to home and really settled in. Sarah threw me a great baby shower. My friend Claire offered to be my doula and Mason decided to come early and our hospital saga began, leaving me with bad post partum anxiety.
So, here we are. Thankfully, the combination of support, monitoring by my dr and a change in my prescription has really helped with my anxiety and we’re doing pretty well settling in to our new groove. This year has felt like an uphill climb.
Clearly pleased to be spoiled
As for my resolutions, I set out to do the following in 2015:
Make time for my husband and our relationship
Continue to nurture my creativity
Continue on the path to living a healthier life
Be more present in the moment.
Let go of the material. It doesn’t define me.
I think I did an ok job. We definitely got sidetracked a bit on our relationship and in focusing on my creativity. I really failed with letting go of the material. I spent way too much money on useless crap. This year, I need to figure out how to live within our means. I also want to set out to spend more quality time with family and friends. I want to nurture those relationships as well. I’m going to keep these resolutions. I think I may even write this up and put it up somewhere where I can see it daily. Hopefully, we’ll have a bit more success in 2016.
Thank you so much for following my journey here and keeping up with our family. I hope you had a great 2015 and that 2016 is kind to you. Happy New Year!
I apologize for any spelling mistakes in this post. I’m writing a baby curled up in my lap. I can’t believe I’m here, writing this post. A whole month has already gone by, and it has flown.
I remember, with Liam, it felt like a lifetime. The PPD had me so firmly in its grasp, and my sleep deprivation was so bad, that every day felt like it wouldn’t end. That first month was a milestone of survival. With Mason, so much is different.
It is amazing to me to have a baby who looks so much like his brother did at the same age, but who is so completely different. He is calmer (or maybe we are?). He sleeps so much better, he fusses in a different way. He enjoys being carried, but not held like Liam did. Such little individuals they are.
We are doing well. My anxiety comes and goes, but is so much more mild now. The boredom of constant nursing is a bit of a downer, but otherwise, life feels so normal. After the rush of the holidays, I look forward to getting out and seeing friends and family again. So, now some stats on my little peanut, just like we did with his brother:
Born at 7lbs, 12oz and 19 inches.
– Diaper Size: Pampers Swaddlers 1
– Clothing Size: NB and 0-3, some small 6mo.
– Favourite Clothes: Fleece sleepers and onepiece outfits
– Nicknames – Mace and Macey (from Liam), Pooper, stinker, squeaker, little man, small fry
– Lots of hugs and kisses from his big brother
– Sleeps in bed with Mommy
– First Christmas
– First trip to Daddy’s Work
– First worn in the Boba stretchie, but prefers Ring Slings.
-Loves watching lit candles
-Will sleep in the swing and hang out in the baby chair.
-Doesn’t like soothers
– Met friends and family, including Nanny Jan, Grammy, Auntie Megan and Katie, Rachael, Beth, Audrey and Brenda. Uncle Brandon, cousin Cassidy. Auntie Jenn, Auntie Krista, Auntie Crystal, Claire, Uncle Rick, Auntie Sarah, Auntie Stacie, Ali, Anna, Corey, Olivia.
– Started Smiling and giggling in his sleep at 2 weeks
You may have noticed the silence around here and the new face on my instagram. It’s true! We welcomed Baby M earthside on November 29th at around 5pm. I got my VBAC! So, allow me to share our birth story and introduce Mason.
In my 37th week, I noticed that I had started to lose my mucus plug. I knew this was a sign that my body was prepping for labour. Saturday the 28th, we had done some grocery shopping and I felt some wetness. Had I peed myself?! Embarrassing! That night, same thing happened again when I turned in my sleep, followed by some cramping and back pain. Ugh, unpleasant.
On Sunday the 29th, I woke up and felt kind of off. An hour or so later, I noticed I had bloody show and knew it was going to be baby time sooner rather than later. I casually startedtiming the contractions. I told Pat and updated my friend Claire (our Doula). I had also noticed that I had what felt like menstrual cramps, which was nothing like what my contractions felt like last time with Liam. Eventually, Claire had me time them more carefully, just to see and we noticed that they were rhythmic. Huh. I still wasn’t convinced it was labour but when they got more steady and frequent, Claire told me she was coming over to check things out.
I made sure our bags were ready to go, and got in contact with my friends who had offered to watch Liam. I let Pat know things were picking up and started verbally prepping Liam for his first night away.
The contractions were more intense, but nothing more than uncomfortable. I found relief in swaying on my exercise ball and doing figure 8s. When Claire arrived, we talked a bit and Pat got me some food from Timmy’s. Eventually, talking through contractions took more work. It was then that Pat and Claire suggested we go to the hospital, but I still didn’t think it was time. I was convinced the contractions were still 5 minutes plus apart, when they were actually closer to 3.5. I wanted Liam to have his nap, as it was noon. It wasn’t until I went to the bathroom and had three contractions one after the other that I agreed to go.
We dropped Liam off at Jenn’s, and my heart broke. I already missed my little guy. We made our way to the Civic Hospital and met up with Claire there.
We made our way to the 4th floor, Labour and Delivery, where they took my history and checked me. I was 5cm. They admitted me and showed us to our room. There we met our great nurse, Phyllis, and I started labouring in earnest. I walked, swayed, leaned, cried and felt myself becoming overwhelmed by the rapid increase of the pain and frequency of the contractions. Eventually, I had had enough and requested an epidural. I was so afraid of letting everyone down, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. They checked me, and I was at 8cm. Having contractions while having to stay perfectly still was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Unfortunately, the Epi didn’t take fully. It merely dulled the pain a bit.
I was on the bed, feeling like I might need to push. I felt the sudden gush of my water breaking. It was full of meconium. They then needed to attach monitors to his head because his heart rate was decelerating and the monitors on my stomach weren’t working eith how low he was. Moments later, I could no longer control the urge to push. Within 15 minutes, Mason was born. Pat cut the cord and the OB showed me my placenta (soooo cool!). I felt so much better than after my c-section. I had a 2nd degree tear and some stitches, and felt like a champ. Mason ended up having some issues, however.
As I waited to deliver my placenta, the medical team was trying to get Mason to be more responsive. He eventually was, but his breathing still wasn’t great and his chest was puffed out. They left him with me for an hour to nurse before deciding to send him to the NICU with Pat. There, they did a chest x-ray and blood work. He had no meconium in his lungs and no air leaks. After keeping an eye on him for about 12 hrs, they brought him back to me. The next evening, we were sent home with a clean bill of health.
A couple days later, at our first post partum check up, our family dr confirmed our suspicions that M had jaundice. She sent us to get bloodwork done and that evening, we got a phone call to get to the children’s hospital ASAP. His bloodwork was very concerning. Unfortunately, this was the beginning of a really difficult time for us. We were admitted after they ran a bunch of tests and we ended up staying at CHEO for 5 days. They were concerned he had a blood infection due to a mistake on a blood test, or an antibody issue due to the blood bank mixing up our file with someone else. In the end, he just had jaundice and needed a lot of phototherapy.
Our stay was hard for me. Post partum hormones, and recovery in a hospital room for someone who is prone to anxiety and depression …it was not ideal. We were in a dorm style room with two other babies from out of town, which meant that there was a lot of noise, lots of crying and just one nurse to care for them. I was very stressed and unfortunately, my post partum anxiety got pretty bad. I wasn’t allowed to hold him much, with the exception of nursing. I basically had to sit and watch him on that light table. Thankfully, my family dr and my loved ones were on it. I had visitors daily and my meds were upped. Eventually, we developed a routine where I went home to be with Liam for a couple hours, which helped.
Liam really struggled with all of this. When Mason was born, he was worried he wasn’t ever coming home from my friend Jenn’s place. When we were admitted to CHEO, he was heartbroken and really had a hard time with me being gone. We are dealing now with the fallout and his big feelings, but we’re all doing much better. Mason is growing and doing better every day. My anxiety is manageable and we are finally getting into the swing of things. Every day is a challenge, but we are loved and supported, so we will be ok.