Neglect

I’m so sorry, friends. I keep meaning to come back and write, share a review, anything, but the words just don’t come. At least they haven’t until now.

Things have been hard lately, folks. My depression is rearing it’s ugly head and is back in full force. At the moment, it’s not the heartbreaking constant sadness. Instead it’s the exhaustion, full body aches and pain, the lack of motivation to do anything at all and a total lack of fucks. For a bit there, I struggled to find the energy to dress myself, to shower and to brush my teeth.

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Part of it is the weather, and how difficult the holidays are when you have lost people. On top of that, there is our financial struggles and the stress of not being able to afford the holidays. I can’t really get into much more right now, but there are other things that have been hard for me and weighing on me.

Yesterday it occurred to me that I’ve been neglecting so much in my life. Yes, there are some crappy things going on, crappy things that have happened, but if I let myself fail and fall, what will they show my children? What will be left to care for them? So, I’m taking steps to get back on track. I’m walking as much as I can, at least 2km a day. I work out a couple days a week at home. I am trying to get back into bullet journalling and spending more quality time with my family. I’m making lists and getting back into work. It’s hard, but just like with my walks, the most important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other. To just keep going.

 

Autumn Life Update

It’s been a long time now since I’ve written a personal post. 2016 has been kicking our asses. Between that and having two crazy kids, I don’t have much time to give sitting down and writing about real life stuff, if that makes any sense. I’m actually fighting a nasty cold at the moment, which means that I have a bit of time to sit and just write.

Mason is 9 months old, almost 10 months. Liam has started school. How is this possible? Where has time gone? It’s been a pretty good transition, thankfully. Liam loves school and it’s been giving me a bit of a breather during an otherwise stressful time.

We have a lot of personal financial and family stuff going on that I don’t feel comfortable sharing here, but it’s been playing one hell of a toll on my anxiety and depression. Thankfully, my husband’s work has a great EAP program and I’ve been able to get some help. On top of that, I’ve started keeping a bullet journal. It has been amazing at keeping me calm, organized and a place to share what’s going on in my head in a pretty and creative way.bulletjournal

Bullet Journaling is kind of a checklist mixed with a day planner, mixed with a journal. It can be as simple or as involved as you want. It’s very very easy to personalize.

Beyond bullet journaling, I’ve continued to play with and test makeup and other products. I’m toying with the idea of making a youtube channel to compliment this blog, but I’m nervous about the amount of work it would take. I’ve started job hunting again, ideally looking for something either from home or close to home so that we can save on daycare costs by me being with Mason during the day.

So, I know this isn’t a really great update, but I wanted to let you guys know that I’m alive and ok, but not great. We are working on things to improve our situation, but nothing is coming very easily. Happy Fall everyone xo

Mason – 6 Months Old

mson6months

Half a year. Half a year since this little beastie joined our family and completed it. How is that possible? How has it already been so long? I’m sorry I haven’t really been doing these posts the last few months. Honestly, I’ve been struggling. Post Partum Anxiety has been kicking my butt, and was recently joined by Depression. Meds are being changed up and I’m looking into therapy, but it’s been a challenge. On top of that, there’s been a fair amount of drama and difficulties to deal with in the mean time. All that aside, we’re doing ok. I have great plans of doing some more reviews for you soon, and have even been thinking about starting to do some youtube videos!

Now, on to Mason.

Month 3: In his third Month, Mason met his fellow December baby friend, Phillip. One of my best friends, Crystal, has us over all the time and her sister is in my online December mom group. Our boys got to hang out. What else? Well, we tried Mason in the Jumperoo and he hated it. He also started popping his seat in the ring sling, which frustrated me to no end. He started to roll on to his side from his back. Mason also had his first Easter.

Month 4: Interacting with the world a lot more, loving toys, his playmat is his favourite thing. Holds his head up and tries to roll on to his belly. Begins teething haphazard, but hates teething toys. Tried the jolly jumper but doesn’t really get it. Totally in love with his brother, who turned 4 this month.

Month 5: plays peekaboo, starts giving aggressive kisses (grabs my face with his nails and open mouth kisses me). Chews on everything. Says mama when upset, and parrots “Hiiiiiiiiiiiii”, said Dada once. Rolled back to front and tries to crawl. Very frustrated he can’t move on his own. Takes a step or two if held up. Digging the circle of neglect and the jolly jumper now. We celebrated Mothers Day and went to the Agricultural Museum. Tried some fruit and veggies right before the 6 month mark. Had a very busy Victoria Day weekend with family and friends.

Where we are now:

  • Diaper Size: Pampers Size 4, cloth diapers in size 2
  • Clothing Size:Depending on the brand, between 6-12months.
  • Favourite Clothes: The cold weather had me loving one piece outfits for him. Now that things are heating up, I am LOVING cute shorts, rompers and onesies.
  • Nicknames: Mace and Macey, bubba, small fry, turd
  • Loves: Rolling, yelling, banging, splashing, chewing, bouncing, standing, his family, water, his bunny.
  • Hates: His carseat and the car, medicine, disposable diapers, getting dressed.
  • Updates: Still teething, no teeth yet. No soothers and no bottles yet. Sigh. Loves to mimic sounds he hears. We swear he can say mama, Dada and Hi. Doesn’t like the outdoors, but is getting better. Lots of wake ups at night again. He’s still in bed with me, which makes the lack of sleep survivable. Still gets worn daily. Loves to stand up (with support)

Dark Days of Spring

It’s very odd to have depression some days. Yesterday, I broke down in tears to my husband “I feel like I don’t exist, or that I’m fading away. I’m invisible”. In that moment, I was desperate for people to see me, really see me. This morning, I woke up and the last thing I wanted was to be around anyone. I didn’t want to leave the house.

Spring is usually when most people start coming out of their winter blahs. For me, I struggle with loving the season while simultaneously hating how it reminds me of my mother’s death and Liam’s traumatic birth. Add to that that we have been having an incredibly difficult time the last few months…well…I’m not coping. Our financial situation is pretty dire, and I’m not using that word lightly. We are doing what we can to get by, but I feel a huge amount of responsibility for our situation as I am the one currently on maternity leave. On top of that, my husband’s health hasn’t been great and we have no answers. For people who have been surrounded by illness and death, we are both very anxious about this. There is just so much going on, all at once. The kids can feel it and see it, and are acting out accordingly.

I am pushing myself through it. One step at a time, day by day. I am barely able to adult, but I am doing the best I can to pay the bills, make meals and make sure the kids are dressed and don’t stink too badly. We have also added a new member of our little clan. Pat’s dear friend, A, has moved in with us for a while while she deals with some of her own difficult times. So, I’m sorry for being so quiet here and on social media lately. I just don’t know what to say or what to share at the moment.

I’ve been losing myself in beauty videos on youtube. Let me know if you want me to share any links, faves or any of my own stuff. I don’t think I can do videos at the moment with everything that we have going on, but I can certainly try to post more. It’s just tough with a velcro baby and velcro preschooler, on top of an ill husband. Mason’s 4 Month post is coming up in the next couple of days, and I also have plans to post about the Eco Chic Movement baby line soon, so stay tuned.

Thanks for understanding, y’all. I really appreciate you being there through the fun and the hard times.

Introducing Mason (His birth story)

You may have noticed the silence around here and the new face on my instagram. It’s true! We welcomed Baby M earthside on November 29th at around 5pm. I got my VBAC! So, allow me to share our birth story and introduce Mason.mason

In my 37th week, I noticed that I had started to lose my mucus plug. I knew this was a sign that my body was prepping for labour. Saturday the 28th, we had done some grocery shopping and I felt some wetness. Had I peed myself?! Embarrassing! That night, same thing happened again when I turned in my sleep, followed by some cramping and back pain. Ugh, unpleasant.

On Sunday the 29th, I woke up and felt kind of off. An hour or so later, I noticed I had bloody show and knew it was going to be baby time sooner rather than later. I casually startedtiming the contractions.  I told Pat and updated my friend Claire (our Doula). I had also noticed that I had what felt like menstrual cramps, which was nothing like what my contractions felt like last time with Liam. Eventually, Claire had me time them more carefully, just to see and we noticed that they were rhythmic. Huh. I still wasn’t convinced it was labour but when they got more steady and frequent, Claire told me she was coming over to check things out.

I made sure our bags were ready to go, and got in contact with my friends who had offered to watch Liam. I let Pat know things were picking up and started verbally prepping Liam for his first night away.

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In labour, on the exercise ball

The contractions were more intense, but nothing more than uncomfortable. I found relief in swaying on my exercise ball and doing figure 8s. When Claire arrived, we talked a bit and Pat got me some food from Timmy’s. Eventually, talking through contractions took more work. It was then that Pat and Claire suggested we go to the hospital, but I still didn’t think it was time. I was convinced the contractions were still 5 minutes plus apart, when they were actually closer to 3.5. I wanted Liam to have his nap, as it was noon. It wasn’t until I went to the bathroom and had three contractions one after the other that I agreed to go.

We dropped Liam off at Jenn’s, and my heart broke. I already missed my little guy. We made our way to the Civic Hospital and met up with Claire there.

We made our way to the 4th floor, Labour and Delivery, where they took my history and checked me. I was 5cm. They admitted me and showed us to our room. There we met our great nurse, Phyllis, and I started labouring in earnest. I walked, swayed, leaned, cried and felt myself becoming overwhelmed by the rapid increase of the pain and frequency of the contractions. Eventually, I had had enough and requested an epidural. I was so afraid of letting everyone down, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. They checked me, and I was at 8cm. Having contractions while having to stay perfectly still was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Unfortunately, the Epi didn’t take fully. It merely dulled the pain a bit.

I was on the bed, feeling like I might need to push. I felt the sudden gush of my water breaking. It was full of meconium. They then needed to attach monitors to his head because his heart rate was decelerating and the monitors on my stomach weren’t working eith how low he was. Moments later, I could no longer control the urge to push. Within 15 minutes, Mason was born. Pat cut the cord and the OB showed me my placenta (soooo cool!). I felt so much better than after my c-section. I had a 2nd degree tear and some stitches, and felt like a champ. Mason ended up having some issues, however.

As I waited to deliver my placenta, the medical team was trying to get Mason to be more responsive. He eventually was, but his breathing still wasn’t great and his chest was puffed out. They left him with me for an hour to nurse before deciding to send him to the NICU with Pat. There, they did a chest x-ray and blood work. He had no meconium in his lungs and no air leaks. After keeping an eye on him for about 12 hrs, they brought him back to me. The next evening, we were sent home with a clean bill of health.m2

The After:

A couple days later, at our first post partum check up, our family dr confirmed our suspicions that M had jaundice. She sent us to get bloodwork done and that evening, we got a phone call to get to the children’s hospital ASAP. His bloodwork was very concerning. Unfortunately, this was the beginning of a really difficult time for us. We were admitted after they ran a bunch of tests and we ended up staying at CHEO for 5 days. They were concerned he had a blood infection due to a mistake on a blood test, or an antibody issue due to the blood bank mixing up our file with someone else. In the end, he just had jaundice and needed a lot of phototherapy.

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Our stay was hard for me. Post partum hormones, and recovery in a hospital room for someone who is prone to anxiety and depression …it was not ideal. We were in a dorm style room with two other babies from out of town, which meant that there was a lot of noise, lots of crying and just one nurse to care for them. I was very stressed and unfortunately, my post partum anxiety got pretty bad. I wasn’t allowed to hold him much, with the exception of nursing. I basically had to sit and watch him on that light table. Thankfully, my family dr and my loved ones were on it. I had visitors daily and my meds were upped. Eventually, we developed a routine where I went home to be with Liam for a couple hours, which helped.

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Liam really struggled with all of this. When Mason was born, he was worried he wasn’t ever coming home from my friend Jenn’s place. When we were admitted to CHEO, he was heartbroken and really had a hard time with me being gone. We are dealing now with the fallout and his big feelings, but we’re all doing much better. Mason is growing and doing better every day. My anxiety is manageable and we are finally getting into the swing of things.  Every day is a challenge, but we are loved and supported, so we will be ok.

Fuck April

If you are a long time reader, you know that this is not my favourite month. If not, you may be confused. Why hate April? April is a time of flowers and the sun warming us up again! It’s so pretty and awesome! Well, not for this babe.

Consider this a warning that I may be bummed or absent this month. Why?  Well, 5 years ago, our place was pretty much ready to be sold and we were in the midst of moving in with my mother. I was her fulltime caregiver and was moving in to help her through her final months. I was set to move on April 1st, but circumstances resulted in some reno delays, so we rescheduled for April 10th. That first week of April, I was in and out of the house pretty much daily. I was bringing boxes, finishing up our room and getting feedback from Mom on what we needed to do to finish up my change to becoming her full time care (I would be the one taking care of finances, bills, getting her to appointments, getting results, etc…as her health declined).

Easter weekend arrived and the family descended upon the house. Mom wasn’t feeling great, so everyone cooked for her (in all of the years of family dinners, she never gave up cooking the main course. Never. This should have been a sign). I remember thinking she looked so small and tired. She basically hung out on the couch the entire visit. On April 7th or 8th, after a being away for a day, but in constant contact by phone, I arrived to find her best friends at the house. I was dropping off some more boxes and on my way to buy some more with a friend who had a pickup. Her best friends informed me she had declined (and was hiding it from me, because it was Mom. Ugh). I had no idea that this would be her last day at home. That she would pass away the next day. I had no idea that my Dad’s kids, people I considered siblings, would completely lose their minds and turn on me. That it would take 2 years for us to complete the estate and that I would end up with a diagnosis of PTSD, severe anxiety and depression.

That same time, 2 years later, when everything wrapped up with the estate, I had my beautiful baby boy. As my labour began, I had no idea that I would struggle through 32 hours of labour, that I would end up getting an emergency c-section, my kid in the NICU, a week long hospital stay, terrible recovery, a relapse of PTSD and severe PPA and PPD.

Here I am, 3 years since then, 5 years since my mother died, that I am going through a difficult time again. I don’t want to get into it. I’m not ready to. I have been missing my parents so terribly, hell, I miss my family. These horrible times have shaped me. I have been forged through flame. I forgive myself for my failings during my mother’s illness and the mess of the estate. I am finally ok with my birth story and that I couldn’t be more in love with my stunningly amazing baby boy (who is a freaking preschooler now). I have incredible people in my life who support and love me. Because of these hardships, I am ok, despite things being tough.

So, fuck April. I am so much stronger than you give me credit for.

Spring

I empathize with Spring this year. I don’t want to leave the house yet. I am comfortable under my layers of blankets and sweaters. I feel like I have more thinking and coping to do. That said, I think everyone is so very ready for the bleak cold winter days to be OVER ALREADY.

Mucha's seasons (just winter and spring)

Sisters, Winter and Spring.

The last few weeks have been rough here. I feel like the poor plants, trapped in the cold earth, waiting for the weather to change and welcome me back. My Mom’s birthday came and went, and I felt my heart breaking for my son’s lack. He will never know how her eyes sparkled and her laugh cackled when she was truly amused by something. He will never know her stern look over the frame of her glasses, paired by that Marge-esq grumble. He is at an age now where he remembers. He misses people and he asks about them. He tells elaborate stories about his best friend, Gus. He talks about his favourite person in the world, his Auntie Tracy. When my Mum’s birthday came, and he saw me crying while watching a tribute video made by my Dad’s family (estranged to us), he was so worried. He doesn’t understand who these people are that I miss so terribly. I have pictures of them up, I talk about them as much as I can, but he doesn’t know them. There are just some days where that hurts so very much.

Ostara was kind of quiet for us this year. We talked a bit about it, I made a crustless quiche (my Mom’s recipe), and some bunny buns. I gave everyone some mini-eggs and that was it. At least, that was it until my girlfriend, Sarah, called up and told us that she had some extra tickets to the Live Dinosaur Train show. Such a great time! Liam loved it.

Bunny Buns and Quiche

Bunny Buns and Quiche

Liam and I at Dinosaur Train

Dinosaur Train!

A couple days later, I was overcome by the need to do some spring cleaning, and basically attacked the house. Unfortunately, my health hasn’t been great and I very quickly lost steam. I’m doing a tiny bit each day. My back, neck and knee have been acting up. It’s been 5 years since my accident, and I am seeing now how this has changed my life. Even the most basic things, like sitting on the floor to play with my kid and a ball is hard for me.

Easter is around the corner now. Much like Ostara, I don’t have my steam or excitement for it. We’ve been doing some crafts and talking about it as an extension of Ostara, but I can’t help but think about how it was the last holiday I had with Mom, 5 years ago. I can’t help but deeply miss my sister and wish that I was surrounded by loud, insane, offensive family all over again (My Dad’s kids and my parents. Tracy and I are very alike in that we became very small and quiet at the big family dinners. Of course, we helped each other stay sane during those crazy visits).

20150328_09290120150328_092925(1)On the plus side, all of this reflection has given me the push to finally save my pictures from my old desktop that has been sitting dead for 3 years. Pat managed to get it going long enough for me to back everything up. My goal is to start making family photo books. Gives me the ability to celebrate the family, love and support that I do have.

What are your plans for the holiday weekend?

Pushing forward

Starting a conversation can be so hard sometimes. Finding the right ice breaker, the right way to start, can seem impossible. I find myself sitting quietly a lot these days rather than trying to find a way to talk about what’s been going on lately.

After my sister’s visit, I found myself slipping quietly into a funk. I’m not sure if it just started out as that down after a great time that happens to everyone, or if it was the time of year. Either way, I tried to manage it myself. I was diligently taking my meds. I got lots of sleep and ate well. Nothing seem to break the funk though, and eventually it grew into something more. My anxiety and depression reared their ugly heads. Thankfully, I have some amazing friends and family who encouraged me to talk to my doctor about it. My meds have been changed and I am being very careful around my triggers and am managing as best I can.

Unfortunately, the world keeps on spinning and doesn’t care what is already on one’s plate. Shortly after this, I received some news. I don’t want to get into too many details, because it wouldn’t be appropriate, but I am no longer doing any of the social media for Belly Laughs. I mention it only because I feel it is only right that you, my readers, know where to find me and I know that I have directed you there previously. There is a chance that I may do some blogging for them in the future, but that isn’t a sure thing. As of right now, I still work my regular monday night shift, but that’s it.

As you can imagine, the timing isn’t great with the holidays coming up. Thankfully, I did most of my shopping quite early and everything that is left on my Shopping list can be replaced with homemade items. Honestly, I prefer doing it that way anyway. It also so happens that one of my favourite self-care tasks is crafting, so it’s a win win.

The fun didn’t stop there, unfortunately. On my way to work on Monday, our one and only vehicle started making very unhappy sounds. I took it in yesterday (which ended up being a fun adventure for Liam and I, despite the early hour. He ended up having his first bus ride. A wrong bus choice on my part resulted in an unexpected trip to Starbucks and a windy but nice walk home).

liamadventureLooks like our poor wheels are pretty much done. We are putting about $500 in and then will trade it in. This of course means a bad financial situation when things are tough already, and added strain because we will need to finance the next car. Which also means that we will not be able to continue house hunting for a while, at least until things vastly improve.

So, here we are, I am trying my best to be positive about it all, but it’s hard. I probably need to find more work to supplement the hours that I have lost. On the plus side, a close family friend has presented me with an opportunity which may fill that void. We were talking about replacing the car soon anyway (ideally after getting our new home), because it is killer on gas. This situation sort of expedited the whole process. I was feeling torn about the whole house situation anyway, and this forces us to wait until we are in a more stable situation. Which, if I am being honest, is fine with me. Things are tough. Really really tough. I’m not doing great, however I do see that maybe this is the Universe forcing us to do things we have put off and giving us opportunities we may not have taken otherwise. For instance, I am now thinking about focusing more on what I can do in the future to potentially start my own business.

Oh, and I am knitting and crocheting like crazy again. Check it out! I will do a post soon with more deets on these.

liamgrampscommissionhatsHopefully I will have some good news to share soon. In the mean time, I will keep hoping and pushing along. Hopefully these bumps in the road are just new opportunities that we haven’t fully appreciated yet.

Finding a new normal

My sister and I were enjoying one of our weekly chats on Sunday, catching up on each other’s life. We are both doing what we can to eat better and become more active, while also working on our personal lives and our homes. During this discussion, we came to a pretty profound conclusion that we had both heard before, but, at least for me, I didn’t really GET until right then:

When you choose to be healthier, your whole life changes. Choosing simplicity and a healthier way of living creates a ripple effect.

About a week and a half ago, I chose to start working out and starting to log my food intake. Simultaneously, I found myself forced into a situation where we have to be more careful about our spending. Being mindful of my nutritional intake worked hand in hand with my new need to be extremely mindful of my food budget. Fitting fitness into my daily routine also forced me to create a daily routine or rhythm. Liam and I are now waking up at around the same time every day, he is having his nap at roughly the same time and we have a rhythm to our daily activities. He helps me cook, we play, I work out, it’s fantastic.

Liam loves his play cleaning set from his Auntie Jodie, Uncle Colin and his cousins.

Liam loves his play cleaning set from his Auntie Jodie, Uncle Colin and his cousins.

Sure, it may be coincidence that our money troubles happen to come into focus right when I decided to start taking charge of my health. I’m just thankful that all of a sudden, right after the extreme chaos of my unmedicated period, I’m finding myself in this simple, calm place. When I was unmedicated, my whole life seemed out of my control. It may have just been for half a week, but it magnified issues that I had been dealing with for a while. The house was a mess because I was too depressed to do anything about it. We were eating crap, because cooking was too much work. Doing anything was a chore, and I just didn’t care. Coming out of the haze, I feel empowered to take control and make a difference in our home and our lives.

Amazingly, it’s the most simple of things. I’m doing small bits of cleaning daily, instead of letting it build into massive disasters that take the whole weekend to clean. I’m working out only 15-30 minutes a day, during nap time, so that it doesn’t really change our plans or impact Liam in a negative way. I’m incorporating Liam into these changes as best I can. He LOVES cleaning and helping me cook and is truly delighted to participate, so it becomes a joy for both of us.

Liam, helping me make biscuits to go with some crock pot chili

Liam, helping me make biscuits to go with some crock pot chili

Thankfully, this all came at a very good time. We just received news last night of a family emergency which requires us to head out to a suburb of Montreal this weekend. It’s Cancer again, rearing its ugly monstrous head, effecting our extended family. Any brush with Cancer has a massive impact on me. It triggers all sorts of horribleness, but I’m finding that I’m starting to be able to cope with it better. One of my favourite people, a girlfriend of mine, is currently dealing with one of her parents having brain cancer. When I found out, I cried and I raged. It all seemed so unfair. When I found out our beloved Auntie Pony had colon cancer, I was shaken, hurt and scared, but rallied to support cousin Anne. Getting this news last night, I think Pat was afraid that it would set something off in me, but I’m doing ok. We aren’t close to the one who is ill, but we are very close with those who are dealing with it. It also brings us back to Pat’s father’s illness (it’s one of his siblings), which is the most difficult aspect for us, I think. Anyway, the point of this ramble is to say that I am doing pretty ok thanks to getting my head on straight before getting this news.

On a related topic, do you have any tips for us for our first road trip with Liam? He’s never been in the car longer than an hour at a time, so a two/two and a half hour trip may be tough on us all. Also, we’ve never been out of town with him for just the day, to a home that is not toddler friendly…what should be pack?

Liam is ready to hit the road!

Liam is ready to hit the road!

Hills and Valleys

Man, 2014 has been a rollercoaster for us. The last month or so, I’ve really been struggling.

The Downs

The Downs

-. In a very short span of time, our laptop was broken, my wedding rings went missing and we realized that were were in a tight spot financially. Of course, the lap top was where I did the majority of my writing. It allowed me to be present for Liam, and to feel a little less like a cave dweller (ugh, basements). Having it break was harder on me than I expected. As much as I enjoy my new cellphone (LG G2, for those curious), I HATE typing on the damn thing. I swear to god, I’m like an 80 year old with broken thumbs. The bigger screen and the different keyboard has made my life hell. This has resulted in me shutting down a bit in terms of my communication. It’s just too much work to speak that way now. So, there I was, speaking less, bummed about a turn of bad luck, stressed over broken things and lost tokens of love, knowing that financially, we could never replace any of them.

-. My eyesight has gotten worse. I don’t know if its that I am finally admitting my poor eyesight OR that my dependency on my glasses has made my vision worse, but I have gone from never wearing my glasses (or owning a proper pair) in the fall to now wearing them all the time. Unfortunately, because of where I live, my drive to work involves driving directly into the setting sun and I didn’t have a pair of sunglasses that were prescription. We really didn’t have the money for me to get one, but I was getting more stressed about dangerous driving conditions every time I went to work. Finally, we buckled and got me a pair from clearly contacts, but we both felt the financial strain immediately. Hopefully we get some of that back through Pat’s benefits at work. It was a hard week though.

-. Liam is going through….something. I don’t know if its teeth, his cold, the terrible twos, a wonderweek type thing, or what. The kid has been up and down like a yoyo and it has been exhausting. Major tantrums, big feelings, screaming, hitting, refusing to sleep, eating nothing or eating everything. It’s been hard to deal with.

-. About a month ago, I found out that a good friend of mine was going through a really rough time. Her mother had been diagnosed with brain cancer and had been given a short life expectancy. It broke my heart to see her go through that. Meanwhile, one of our own (an auntie), had just been diagnosed with colon cancer and had surgery coming up. Cancer has been terrible to me and mine, so I was pretty scared. Even with my friend’s mom, it triggered all sorts of emotions in me. I would really appreciate it if you kept both wonderful women in your thoughts.

-.I had two fillings break. Two. Finally found a dentist that would see me on a weekend and it ended up costing me almost 800. Yep. For two fillings. (Thanks to being a new patient, I needed xrays, a first time exam, etc.. etc…). Here’s hoping most of that is covered. Oh, and he says that I need a significant amount of work. Like, another 2000$ worth of work. Fuck.

-.I was dropped by our family GP (rather, she went away on sabbatical and decided not to come back), leaving me without a GP for myself or for Liam. Not a huge deal for most, but trying to find a GP that is cool with extended breastfeeding, bedsharing, babywearing and informed consent is harder than one might think. Further to that, I need someone who is ok with me having lots of questions and coming in for seemingly small things (without family to turn to and ask “Bwah? Is that normal?” I want to be able to turn to my doctor without feeling like an idiot). Of course, this also coincided with my prescription for antidepressants running out (as in, no more refills).

But! Nanny J recommended a Dr to us and I thought all was going to be fine…until that Dr and my pharmacist got into a pissing contest. You see, I can’t get in to meet her until April. After which time, she will decide if I “fit” her. She doesn’t consider me a patient until then. I went back and forth on the phone, between both offices, until finally the Dr sent a snarky fax to the pharmacist, which he then read to me. Thankfully, he saw my position and filled the prescription for me to cover me until I have this meeting with Dr. Pain in the Ass.

The fall out of this whole thing was that I ended up going 3 days without meds and I was completely overwhelmed with anxiety. On day three, I sat on my couch and cried silently, while Curious George kept Liam occupied. Thankfully, I had the right mind to reach out to my dear friend, Kaitlin. Just by being her awesome self and listening, I was able to calm down. I got myself out of the house, with Liam, to visit The Children’s Museum with Krista and her guy, Wes. It was AMAZING. I am definitely going back soon. Honestly, it was one of my favourite places I’ve been to with Liam.

And that leads me to…

The Good

The Good

-. I have amazing friends. No, seriously. These girls are there for me through thick, thin and crazy. They make me a better person.

-. WE FOUND MY WEDDING RINGS! WOOO! They were missing a month and a half, and were found in a pile of laundry (my guess is that Little Man took them on an adventure)

-.I am medicated again!! This makes all the difference in the world for me. I can cope now.

-.Auntie had her surgery this past week and it was a huge success! They think they got all of the cancer. Fingers and toes crossed!

-.My time away from electronics has led to some productivity with my hobbies:

Liam's gramps cardigan

Liam’s gramps cardigan

I am finally making progress on Liam’s birthday sweater. I am on to the main part of the body now. Probably about 6-8 more inches before I switch to ribbing, and then do the sleeves, collar, pockets and elbow patches. Woo! That’s on hold for a little bit though while I plug away at my RRG 2014 Olympic project:

Gaybreak WIP

Gaybreak WIP

Say hello to my very first shawl, my RRG 2014 Gaybreak. It doesn’t look very gay right now, but I’m just about to finish up the solid colour portion before starting on the rainbow bits. SO EXCITED. In the end, it should look something like this:

Photo by Red Pepper Quilts of her own Daybreak shawl

Photo by Red Pepper Quilts of her own Daybreak shawl

-. One of my very best friends just had the most gorgeous twins, ever. I’m so so excited. Honestly, this family is made up of my favourite people. I can’t wait to see them :D I’m hoping to visit them tonight.

-.I finally got to visit my sister from another mister, Sarah and two of her boys (Her hubby was at work, and her daughter was at school). We baked cookies, chatted, and had a great day together. I got to snuggle both of my nephews and my heart grew two whole sizes. It was awesome.

-. It’s the long weekend, y’all!

-. After being so completely bummed, depressed and manic, I have decided to try to get myself to a healthier place. I’ve been living on chocolate, takeout and coffee for months and its just not doing good things for me anymore. I’m back on SparkPeople if you want to follow my journey there.

-. I’ve started working on my family tree again. I was very overwhelmed after my dad died and I inherited his giant collection of geneology stuff. I just couldn’t compare to his professional approach to it. So, I’ve stopped trying. Instead, I’m taking my own damn approach. It’s much more casual and I’m finally enjoying myself again! To check it out, here is our page.