Protected: Dreams and a reading

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Another dream symbol post

Strange symbols in dreams lately. Figured I’d share them and see what people think. At very least, do some “thinking out loud”.

1. I have a pendant given to me by one of my best friends. It’s a lovely porceline pendant of Bridget. In the dream, the pendant was broken in half, and I found this very upsetting. I had no idea how it happened, and I knew it was unfixable.

This is actually the same pendant that I have

2. I’ve been dreaming about snakes. A LOT. Like, at least once a week. Usually, a boa (my good friend has a big red tail boa, and it looks exactly like the snake in my dream).

Red Tail Boa

Usually my own pet snakes have a cameo (I have a Volcano cornsnake named Pele, and Pat has a peublan milk name named Salazar.).

Pele

Salazar

Usually in the dreams, the snakes are either in places they should be, escaping, or being some source of anxiety or worry. Note: I’m not afraid of snakes, and I don’t attach your regular symbolism to them. I didn’t grow up in a Christian home. I think I need to start keeping a notebook by the bed, because I know I’ve had more dreams recently, but I have had a hard time remembering them past getting ready for work. I feel like there’s a message for me. I feel it in my gut…I think I’m just missing it. Hrm.

An urban fantasy dream

I’m exhausted this morning. I had a dream last night that I feel I have to share. Definitely a reading on it later. Feel free to skip if you’re not interested.

 It started out as a typical dream. Something to do with weddings, one of my exes, Tracy and her friends.  Throughout the dream I started to feel…watched? While I was leaving one location on the dream, I was approached by a man who confirmed my feeling. He was trying to warn me that something was after me, but something about him seemed off, so I thought he was threatening me. Cue the typical cat and mouse dream sequence. (I have a lot of dreams about being chased).  Eventually it came down to me being forced into a meeting with some “people” who informed me that somehow I can come under the attention of the Winter Court (aka Bad Fae), and as a result, the Summer Court wanted to keep an eye on me to see what was so interesting. They provided me with some protection (if I remember correctly, I came across a beautiful seal, who was in fact a Selkie).

Silke, a painting done by Forest Rogers

I was able to return to the original dream, with this companion for a bit, until the Winter Court made an attack that we were barely able to escape from. It was at this point I was called to meet again with the Summer Court. I brought Tracy along with me, because she was with me during the attacks. There was this HUGE tree/wolf creature. He was some kind of blend between Tree Men (something like an Ent) and a wolfman (looked very similar to the Lycans from Underworld or the Werewolves from Dragon Age).

A Lycan - Key is the very long narrow snout and the wispy hair, very thin and boney arms and legs.

Drawing of Ent by Zachariah Campbell. Again, note the long gangly limbs.

He didn’t understand why the “Monkey meatbags” was worth all of this trouble, and decided he was going to resolve the situation by killing us. I’m not sure if he was a part of the Wild Hunt or not, but the simple motion of coming towards us filled me with a terror that I couldn’t ignore, so I bolted, dragging Tracy with me.

What are you not supposed to do when confronted by an angry wild animal? Yeah. Pretty much. I remember him howling in glee that we had taken the bait and the chase started. I stole a police car (thinking, This is iron! We’re safe and quick in this!) and fled as far as I could until the police got involved. We ditched the car and ran, almost right into a cop. We were talking, trying to explain, when I realized he was fae too and just wearing a glamour. I had no idea what court he was, but I hear the Hunt near by, so we dropped to the ground and hid. Somehow, the cop was able to distract the hunt and send them on a different trail. He was helping me up when the alarm went off this morning.

 After thinking about the dream for a bit, I realized that anytime I left the main dream for this Fae portion, Tracy would go kind of…empty. I’d have to drag her around as though she was on auto-pilot, but that her mind was elsewhere. In the dream I sort of just accepted it as “Well, she’s away dreaming her own dream right now, so of course her body is empty”. So weird. I don’t think I’ve ever dreamt with that much accurate detail about the fae before. Normally my dreams have their own mythology and don’t often borrow from traditions or mythologies that I’ve studied in waking life. Also, it was so very detailed. I don’t know what colour seals normally are. No clue. The Silke in the dream was sort of a silvery white, with grey and black spots, just like the painting. The whole dream was extremely real and scary. So strange!

 I needed to write it down before I forget anymore details. :D

Reading

Setting the scene: Ace of Cups R: Emotional upset, change, delays, unrequited love

Ace of Cups


Death, R: Resisting change, prompting change in others, self-evaluation needed, stagnation.

Death


Reading:
Seven of Wands R: Letting problems build up, energy dissipated, self-doubts, attention being diverted from real problems, may need to accept offered assistance.
Seven of Cups R: Fear of failure or wrong choices, inability to decide, delusion, false promises, self-deception, confusion
Six of Pentacles R: Overspending, avarice, loss through negligence or theft, debts, money owed, jealousy
Page of Wands R: Energy dissipated, indolence, unrealistic goals, reluctance to see job throughh, not thinking a process through before acting
Five of Cups: Partial loss, useless regrets, disillusionment, difficulties with a legacy, stressful relationships, delayed inheritance, shallow relationships, anxiety, sharing bounty, imperfections, wasting a legacy, dwelling on a loss
The Empress R: Slow progress, potential unrecognized, blocked creativity (one of the cards I associate with)
Four of Cups: Discontent, reassessment, stationary period, new approach to old problems, new possibilities, new partnerships.

But what do I do?
Four of Cups, R: Boredom, apathy, aversion, seeking distraction

An Obvious Dream

Obviously my frustration and anger yesterday manifested itself in a lovely dream last night.

 For whatever reason, whenever I dream about the deaths of my parents, my mother always dies first. I’m not sure why this is, but even when I have the premonition dream a few days before Dad died back in ’08, the dream had my mother die, and then my father dying of heartbreak. When I woke up, I was really worried about Mum because she had just had heart surgery a week before so I thought maybe something was wrong there. I was VERY surprised when Mum found Dad dead in the kitchen a few days later.

 Last night’s dream surrounded my mother’s death. It basically gave me a quick intro of Mum dying, us grieving and then it was suddenly two months later (about now, June 9th was the 2 month mark) and Dad informs us that he has a new girlfriend.

 I was shocked, angry. I couldn’t believe my father would try to replace Mum so quickly. Such a shocking disrespect, not only to us and our grief, but to Mum as well. I was absolutely disgusted when I found out later that this relationship had been going on for 6 months…four months before Mum’s death. Dad seemed so unaffected by our reaction, like he could care less. The woman was almost an anti-Mom. She was pale, blond, curvy and tall (to my mother’s short, dark skin, dark hair and thin frame). She had a harsh face, wrinkled and mean blue eyes (A female and older version of the family member I’m having issues with? She also reminded me of my brother Mike’s ex, J. A terrible woman with a serious drinking problem who really disliked me). She was cruel, and mean. I was so unhappy and completely amazed that my father was acting this way. I remember thinking “Poor Mum. She doesn’t deserve this.” I wanted to defend her, to protect her, to make sure her memory and her name got the respect it deserved. For some reason, Tracy was welcoming to this woman, wanting to give her a chance.

 I felt alone in my pain and my frustration. And somehow, everyone made me feel like I was the problem, not my father or this woman.

 I woke up angry, frustrated, hurt, and abandoned. Pretty much how I was feeling yesterday. Ugh. I just want this whole drama to be over. It’s also strange to note that I have had several dreams about both of my parents cheating on each other. I wonder what that means?

Ring Warming and Strange Dreams

Hope everyone had a lovely full moon :)

After a day of running around and accomplishing little, my sister and I finally got to work on my ceremony right as the moon rose. I gathered all of my supplies and set up my makeshift altar.

First, after casting the circle, we cleansed the rings with each element and asked each element to bless the rings. Then I had a bit of a conversation with the Divine, asking for the same thing. After that, I consecrated the rings to their purpose and protected them from accepting any negativity, ill will, etc… I blessed and annointed them with specific oils and then placed them in their protective black cloth.

I think it went really well :) I feel very good about it.

As it was the full moon, I ended up having very strange dreams last night. My family and I (not 100% sure on who was actually in this “family”, but basically my favourite and most loved people) had come to live in this beautiful old house with a gorgeous wrap around veranda, high ceilings, amazing details everywhere. There was a lake, and gorgeous gardens. It seemed perfect…except for the fact that the house was under the protection of this giant elephant, Mo Mo. And when I say giant, I mean GIANT. Size of the parliament buildings, giant. Mo Mo looked adorable, like one of these cute elephant toys:

Mo Mo the Destroyer

Mo Mo controlled who came in and who went out. God forbid we had a guest that we hadn’t told Mo Mo about prior to their arrival. He would try to destroy the house, our guest, you name it. He’d go on these rage filled rampages. Mo Mo was a tyrant and he could old be won over by a sacrifice. For whatever reason, the sacrifice of choice was clothing. Specifically beautiful dresses.

So, one day my friend came over as a surprise, and Mo Mo went nuts. We tried hiding and running, but eventually, it came down to him demanding a sacrifice. He wanted this dress that was beautiful, blue and perfect. I wanted to wear it to my bachelorette or shower, I can’t remember. Instead, I offered him this old nightgown of my mother’s. He laughed, saying that I gave him something that, while old, was far more valuable to me than the pretty dress.

Strangely, the nightgown I gave Mo Mo is one I gave a friend years ago because it didn’t fit me anymore (My mother was a much smaller woman than I).

Strange, right? A reading to be had later, for sure. Unfortunately, right now I’m high on decongestants and ready for a nap.  I have a ton of cleaning to do but can’t until my head clears. Fun times!

Update – Family

I’m sitting at my desk, in my office, listening to the sound of my Mum’s dog breathing as he sleeps on the floor beside me. Two floors down, the boys are working on the basement floor. I’m debating how much I should share here, how raw I should be. As a typical gemini, part of me wants to keep this pristine, sculpted and shared once each post has been carefully worded and edited. The other part wants to be honest, free, and express exactly what I’m going through.

Seeing as how the Restrained Twin has been forced to be in control lately, due to the circumstances I’m about to explain, I’m going to let Emotional Twin take the reins for a bit.

Tuesday afternoon, my Mum was taken to the General hospital by her best friend, Karin, and myself. She was disoriented, extremely weak and not looking right.

It is now Thursday, and she’s still there. I am her legal caregiver, and her eldest daughter. I have been doing my best to see that she has everything she needs, while still taking care of the move and the sale of our house. They don’t know 100% what’s wrong yet, though they suspect it’s a condition of the blood, caused by the many years of chemo in which the platelets in the blood are attaching themselves to a certain protein and hulk smashing their way through the rest of the cells, leaving everything damaged and my Mum in an awful state.

I have cried a lot this week. I have to be strong, and brave. I have to tell myself that she is going to walk out of that hospital in a couple of days, annoyed at herself for letting it get so bad and happy to be back at her computer, playing bejeweled. Today, I smelled of feces, sweat and hospital disinfectant. I carried the woman who has carried me countless times. My heart is broken for her, and for my family, as they turn to me in their fear, hoping for answers that I don’t have.

My Mummy and I, in Cuba. 2008

I have been pulling my strength from the Earth lately. When I feel faint, when I feel like the tide is going to overwhelm me, I plant my feet and borrow some of it’s power to get through. Pat has been by my side this entire time, and I’m so thankful. Without him, I would be lost.

Our families have really pulled together lately. His brother and brother-in-law are here now, helping out. His sister cooked us dinner and cookies. My best friend, Isaac, was here, helping me pack with Pat’s brother’s wife. My brothers are going to get the house in Orleans all ready for the move. Without this support, I don’t know what we’d do.

I feel… like Alice. I’m in Wonderland with no map, no rabbit and no hatter to lead the way. I have to keep my footing and continue forward. At least with the move, I’m staying busy and pre-occupied so that I don’t let myself think too much about the possibility that Mum may not recover from this.

There’s a friend, someone I’ve loved and was very very close with. I considered her a sister. We don’t talk anymore. We went our separate ways years ago after the friendship became toxic. At the time, I thought I was the only one suffering, but apparently, she was unhappy too. I desperately want to email her, talk to her, get her support and comfort, but I know i can’t. I don’t have that right anymore, and I know it’s taking advantage of her. I’m not ready to rekindle the friendship in earnest, and it would be wrong to engage her in this and then disappear again.

I dreamt of her the other night. I was a part of some kind of group (knitting, crafting, hobby, whatever). It was a large group that met at a members house every month. This month I showed up to find myself in The Friend’s apartment. I was so fascinated with her objects. I went through her apartment, room by room, looking at everything, happy for her, and wanting to learn about her and her new life. Seeing her, I felt a yearning to be close with her again, and a heart break at everything we had lost. She was so kind, in the dream, so forgiving and supportive…I felt such a strong pull to her, even once I woke up, I almost tried to contact her. I know that I can’t.

I need to get back to work. I have so much packing left. Please, keep my Mum in your thoughts and prayers. We are not ready for this fight to be over yet.

Dreams

Figured I’d write this down before I lose it. Dreams were soooo weird last night.

1. There was a distinct issue with public vs. private. Doors wouldn’t stay shut, or would be replaced by flimsy curtains that would blow open in the wind, all conversations were overheard, even bathrooms were out in the open (this is a big deal to me. When I was quite young, around 6 years old, I went away to camp and a bunch of the girls burst into the outhouse and humiliated me while I was doing my thing. Like, literally, standing there with the door open, pointing, laughing, making fun of me.
2. Roller derby. :D

And now, for my morning coffee.

Symbols

A bit of an introduction, in case you haven’t read back into posts that I’ve added from my LJ. I am a Green Witch, which means that I practice shamanism, and such as in this specific case, animals tend to pop up in my daily life and in dreams with a message for me.

Lately, a few animals have been repeatedly popping up in my dreams, so I figured I should look into them a bit.

Cameos
Groundhog: Mystery of death without dying/trance/dreams. Ability to get deep into within an area of interst. New study about to open up. 2 years for things to come to fruition. Signals of the boundaries in your life are important. Hibernation and the opening to dream time. Dreams more significant.
Hippo: Intuitive knowing. Practicallity and stability. Able to see beneath the surface. Proper use of aggression, Ability to move gracefully through emotions, Mother-fury when necessary, Birth of new ideas, Protection of family
Elephant: Great teachers and masters, fertility, wisdom, success, ancient power, sexual power, strength, pay attention to scents. Family.
Snakes: Rebirth, resurrection, initiation and wisdom. Transformation and healing. sexual and creative life force. kundalini, transition, sensitive to the auras of others. Learning. Sense of smell.

Main Focus (As in, have appeared in about 10+ dreams now)
Rabbit: Associated with Hecate and the moon. Hopping in ones endeavors. Unknowingly leading into the faery world. Symbol for sexuality and fertility. Generally means cycles of 28 starting in your life. Planning for possibilities. Check plans. Do not box self in corner. Do not foreshadow your plans. Recognizing signs around you. Facing fears and turning weakness into strength. From a website: If you see Rabbit or in any way feel attracted to him, it may be telling you to wait for the forces of the universe to start moving again, to stop worrying and to get rid of your fears. It always indicates a need to re-evaluate the process you are undergoing, to rid yourself of any negative feelings or barriers, and to be more humble.

Hrm. Things to consider to be sure.

Dreams

Yesterday, on our way out to meet some friends for dinner, I told Pat about an article I read in the local paper about a woman who is suing the Catholic School Board because of the bullying that was allowed to occur to her daughter.  Somehow, that theme winded up haunting me in my dreams last night.

My first dream was definitely a nightmare. All I remember is that there were monsters and I woke up afraid (I blame reading a specific chapter in the new Diana Gabaldon book). I snuggled up close to Pat and eventually fell back asleep. The second dream was certainly more telling.

I lived in this large building, sort of like a school, but instead of classrooms, it held apartments. There were still these strange shared spaces, like the cafeteria/kitchen, a commons room (a flash back to University I guess), and the bathrooms.

There was this guy. I remember him looking something like a mix of Finn from Glee and Johnathan Rhys Meyers from The Tudors.

He had this little posse of jerks that followed him around. Somehow, I became the target of this group. I remember being sexually harassed, verbally abused, as well as physically abused. I felt helpless, like nothing I could say or do could make it stop. As it turns out, my mother owned this building, and was therefor his landlord. I begged her to make him stop, to threaten to kick him out, but she refused. I was so frustrated and hurt. I decided to take things into my own hands and vowed to make him wish that he had never picked on me. I woke up with an immense feeling of stress in my chest.

Didn’t help that I had an interview today and really could have used a restful sleep.

The last six months of unemployment have done wonders for squashing my self-confidence. I used to think it would take maybe a month for me to find a much better job than the last place. Ha! They thought that they could bully me, and fire me? Ridiculous! I would just find something much better. Well, so far, I’m about 2 months away from running out of EI and with remarkably few prospects.

I’m one of those people that has to have a job. In University, there was a time that I had 3 part time jobs on top of an overloaded fulltime 3rd year schedule. As you can imagine, I was a mess for the first few months of unemployment. Now, things are different. As a strange twist of fate, this finally suits me. Mum is really sick. Like, really really sick. I’m depressed, working through some post-traumatic stress and I’m planning a wedding. The time couldn’t be better for me to be unemployed. Of course, the milisecond that this thought appeared in my mind, the Universe started throwing job interviews at me. Seriously. Within a day of thinking “Man, this is actually working for me for a change”, I had 5 employers contact me for interviews. You think I’d be relieved, but instead, I feel guilty for not wanting it and stressed for having to deal with it.

I tried to explain to Mum why I don’t want to be working, but she doesn’t get it. She is one of those hard working prairie girls of eastern European descent. She was angry with me for even thinking about turning down opportunities, or taking a break from the job hunt. Maybe it’s a sign of weakness to her, a sign that Things Are Serious and Bad. For me, it’s a sign of strength. I want to work on me, I want to be there for her, and I’m making a decision to better myself and my situation. Plus, I really need the time to figure out What I Want to Do, because I have no freaking idea.

I just wish Mum would stand behind me and support me while I figure this out.