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Grief

Everyone processes grief differently. Loss is a fluid changing thing. I remember being surprised at how I reacted to my parents deaths. I always had pictured hysterics, fainting, sobbing. The reality of it was much quieter, and yet, again, both losses were felt differently.

Friday I was surprised to see a face I knew and recognized in a news story. A girl that I had known from dance was missing and had been missing since Wednesday evening. Since then, I have been obsessively following every detail on facebook and in the news. Yesterday we found out that she had been murdered. She and I had not been close. We haven’t seen each other in years and barely talked online. This past week I was thinking about contacting her because she recently got a new tattoo at my fave tattoo shop. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel or react. People tell me they are sorry for my loss, but I am not suffering. Am i? I don’t think I am. Send your thoughts instead to her loved ones. I feel so badly for her husband, family and close friends. i have found myself getting angry at speculation that one of them could be involved. I keep thinking about details that I have read.

So, I am snuggling my boy a little closer. I called my sister. I am spending time with loved ones. I’m working on Liam’s baby album.

Rest in Peace, Melissa.
Rest in Peace, Melissa.

Rest in peace, dear lady. May the fucker that hurt you be caught quickly.

Daily Life

June has been kicking my butt

Man, this month has been brutal so far, and it’s only the 8th!

Last week on Friday, I left work early for a doctor’s appointment. I was super excited, as I’ve been trying to find a new doctor closer to home for a couple of years now. One had opened up in the walk in clinic I normally go to, so I was thrilled to be meeting with her. On the way to the bus stop, I had a misguided construction worker decide to flirt with me by “saving me” from a bus that he sent to hit me. Yep. He grabbed me out of the way once he realized what was going on, and took advantage of the moment to put his arms around me. Awwwwkward. Grumbled at him and then fled to catch my bus. Turns out the route changed, so I barely made it on time to my appointment. Unfortunately, once there, I very quickly realized that she was NOT the doctor for me.

She argued with me about my cancer risks, told me that depression can ONLY be treated with specific medications and that therapy doesn’t actually work. Also, I was told that while I am not too obese (?!), I’m not currently a risk for diabetes. Oh, and the kicker: When talking about TTC (that’s Trying to Conceive for those of you not familiar with the lingo) tips, her response was: Have sex every other day and remember not to use a condom. Also, when she asked me if I was taking folic acid, I told her I was taking a popular prenatal multivitamin. She then responded with this nugget of wisdom: prenatal vitamins are crap and that if I continue to take them instead of straight up folic acid, my baby will be deformed.

Yeah, not going back.

I bused home and was heart broken to discover our A/C was broken. Yes, it was a good start to my weekend. Add to that the following: Injured husband = Heather does all the yard work and house work, serious estate drama which may result in the estate being dragged out an extra year, husband potentially having rheumatoid arthritis in his right hand according to his chiro, 5lbs gained by me (making the grand total a lovely 20lbs since my wedding), stressful party planning, and my dead father’s birthday.

This week hasn’t been much easier so far. The temperatures are insane right now. We are as warm as New Orleans today. NEW ORLEANS. Let me illustrate the crazy for you:

Yeah. Something about that isn’t right. So, it’s crazy effing hot all week, there’s 5lbs more of me to be sweaty and grumpy and we don’t have A/C. I’ll tell you what we do have though: A sweltering townhouse, full of angry furry hot animals, with new and awesome water damage in the basement, potentially caused by the broken A/C. Yaaaaaay!!

So, on top of this tender piece of greatness, estate stuff has been bad and my ability to take crap is at an all time low.

Courtesy of pinterest, my new obsession.

Nice lead up to my birthday, which is this weekend, right? All I want for birthday is for the powers that be to stop shitting on me and my family. Yesterday, Pat and I protested the world and decided “Fuck everything, let’s eat meatloaf and watch the end of Supernatural season 5”. So we did. And it was good.

And on that note, let’s pretend it’s Tuesday!

A peek at the past week (how I’ve been): See above

I am thinking… About the estate, our lives and money. Big big stuff.

I am thankful for… the weekend I have coming up. I need friend time, badly. And booze. I think booze will help too.

From the kitchen… Nothing terribly interesting lately, though I’ve spied a few recipes on pinterest that I want to try. Namely Margarita cupcakes. Yummmmm.

I am wearing… No fancy under things. I’m in a brown summer dress to fight off the heat

I am creating… journal entries for the 30 day journal challenge.

I am going… to clean as soon as it’s cool enough to, and then enjoy the hell out of this weekend.

I am reading…  Game of Thrones. Almost done! Loook this book so far.

I am hoping… for some peace. I feel so overwhelmed by life right now.

I am hearing… The Weepies. Thanks to Tracy, they have entered my iphone music rotation

Around the house…HOOOOOOOOOT and damage and work to do. I hate it.

One of my favorite things…painting my nails. Took a couple hours last night and did both my fingers and my toes. My toes are a lovely dark purple and my nails are a purply grey. 

A few plans for the rest of the week: Tonight, Thursday and Friday: Cleaning and estate stuff. Saturday: Leelee arrives and I have girlie birthday celebrations with her and S! This shall include hanging out downtown, seeing Bridesmaids and going out for dinner/drinks. Sunday is unplanned so far, but will include dinner with the hubby, and potentially L if she doesn’t have other plans.

Here is picture! Yay!

Sangria, my true love <3
Daily Life

So, I lied

I’m sorry that I keep saying I’ll post and then not. I’m a big fat liar.

Yesterday was a busy day for me! We had an off-site meeting on Monday, so yesterday was spent catching up. After work, I had to rush home, take care of the critters and get myself ready. Once Pat got home we were out to Beer and Wings night with is work peeps (which was a blast. The conversations with those people are always amazing. Apparently, they have decided to get me completely shit-faced one of these days. Better do that soon folks, because I want to start baking a baby!). After that, I had to run to a near by mall for my ring cleaning (part of our insurance for my engagement ring, had to be done in May. I sure know how to cut it close) and then to the local shoppers drug mart for a stamps to get the baby shower invites out before Ze Big Postal Strike of 2011.

I feel like life has been super busy the last few months. I woke up this morning and it was JUNE. How did that happen? Where did May go? Well, now that I’ve got a moment to sit down and write this out, this is the post I promised.

It’s going to be a big couple of months for me. The weekend of the 11th is my birthday weekend and my close friends are in town to celebrate (namely, S, L and my guy, Isaac). The girls and I are planning on doing dinner and catching The Bridesmaids (which I hear is amazing) and at some point, I want to hit up a restaurant I’ve been meaning to try for years called Jean Albert’s.

I know it doesn’t look like much, but it’s supposed to be some of the best southern style comfort food in Ottawa. I think it’s the perfect idea for my birthday dinner with the hubby.

The weekend of the 25th is our anniversary weekend and we have booked a room at the lovely B&B at 142 Rideau.

One of the rooms @ 142 Rideau

We’re planning on having dinner at Gad’s Hill (A Dicken’s themed restaurant in the heart of Merrickville, and literally across the street from where I was married) and maybe going to see a movie during the day (our very first date was to go see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Movie dates have long been an anniversary tradition for us).

A few days later, on June 30th, is the closing date on my Mum’s house. I am so completely torn about this. I mean, on one hand I’m obviously thrilled to be moving on with my life and to have this major obstacle out of the way as we complete the estate. I’m hoping, that if all goes well *knock on wood* We’ll be completely done by the fall.  On the other hand, I am completely heart broken to be losing the only place I’ve ever really known as home. I grew up in that house, and returned there whenever a roommate or apartment didn’t work out. It was my safe place, and the hub of the entire Sutherland family.  I always planned on having my children run through those halls and play in the basement, like I did. My brothers brought their first born children to that house, calling it home. Every single one of childhood and young adulthood firsts (past the baby stuff, I was 4 when we moved in) happened in that house. Every single holiday was spent in that house, with the exception of Christmas when I was 12 (the one and only time we went anywhere for Christmas, and it was never repeated).  Every single one of my birthdays too.  It’s hard to let go of all of that. I could close my eyes this very second and walk up to my room from the front door without stumbling or making a sound.

It will be the closing of a chapter, not only for the estate, but in my grieving process. My father died in that house. The last time my mother laughed was in that house. I will no longer have to go to the house, which is a huge physical reminder, ever again. In fact, I won’t have any reason to go to the area at all. We have no friends or family in that part of town any more.

A few days after that, I am helping to host and organize S’s baby shower at S’s mother’s house. I’m really nervous about it, as it’s my first baby shower, and S has extremely good taste and throws the best parties I’ve ever attended. Standards are high here people!

The following weekend is my oldest friend’s wedding, which is going to be an incredible affair. She is a stationary and wedding invitation designer (and graphic designer) with incredible taste. The wedding is set to be in the rooftop terrace of the NAC. Going to be amazing!

The very next day, Pat and I are hoping to attend Bluesfest for one of my favourite bands, A Perfect Circle, as well as the Dropkick Murphy’s. The weekend after that, Pat and I are attending his work wife’s birthday cottage weekend. S’s baby is also due in mid-July.

Yeah, that’s a lot. There’s maybe a weekend or two in there where we don’t currently have plans.  I plan to do some baby knitting in there, and I’ve also decided to participate in the 30 Day Journalling Challenge.

I’ve got a fuckton of art supplies, sitting at home not getting any use. It’s about time I start using them. I also think it’ll help maintain my sanity during this time of grief, babies, music, family/estate drama, parties and birthdays. So, sometime tonight I hope to post my first page. I’m going to try to post them on the same day that we receive the prompt and write/create, but I may end up a day off. We shall see.

So, that’s the post folks! I’ll be back later with journal entries.

 

Daily Life

Depression

I think it’s time that you, my readers, understand something about me that I don’t often talk about. It’s one of those things that paints the way people see you, perceive you, and often, it paints a negative picture of who you are. Many people grew up with the idea that we should suffer in silence. That it is burdening those around us to share our difficulties. That it is a sign of weakness to talk about these things. I am of the opinion that it shows strength and hope to open up, and to face it head on, so I’m going to do just that.

I am one of the many people who has depression and anxiety problems. It’s something I’ve struggled with since I was 10 years old. Some years, months and days are better than others. Some are hard and require a lot of effort and support to work through.

As you can imagine, the deaths of both of my parents, in such a short time, have triggered a dark time for me, and it takes a lot of work on my parents and lots of support from my friends and family to push through.

Yesterday was one of those hard days. Being the 9th, it was 5 months from when Mum died. I hadn’t slept well, due to dreams about Mum. On my way to work, I drove passed a cancer patient being wheeled into an ambulance. Pat and I had a good talk and I’m feeling a bit better today. I’m going back to therapy on Monday, I’m starting to see a chiropractor next week to help with my aches and pains caused by my car accident, and we’ve been talking about getting me a new hobby. He’s trying to convince me to join Karate with him. I’m not so sure, but I’ve decided to give the dojo a try. At very least, it will get me out of the house and doing something active. I’m considering doing their Women’s Self Defense course.

I’m talking about this now because it is something that has a huge impact on my life. It’s a part of my path, and it’s better that I get this out so that you can understand things as I move forward later.

My depression is closely tied with my grief. Here’s a great site that I’ve found for those going through grief and for those that wish to help people through their grief.