Baby, Daily Life, Depression, family

Dark Days of Spring

It’s very odd to have depression some days. Yesterday, I broke down in tears to my husband “I feel like I don’t exist, or that I’m fading away. I’m invisible”. In that moment, I was desperate for people to see me, really see me. This morning, I woke up and the last thing I wanted was to be around anyone. I didn’t want to leave the house.

Spring is usually when most people start coming out of their winter blahs. For me, I struggle with loving the season while simultaneously hating how it reminds me of my mother’s death and Liam’s traumatic birth. Add to that that we have been having an incredibly difficult time the last few months…well…I’m not coping. Our financial situation is pretty dire, and I’m not using that word lightly. We are doing what we can to get by, but I feel a huge amount of responsibility for our situation as I am the one currently on maternity leave. On top of that, my husband’s health hasn’t been great and we have no answers. For people who have been surrounded by illness and death, we are both very anxious about this. There is just so much going on, all at once. The kids can feel it and see it, and are acting out accordingly.

I am pushing myself through it. One step at a time, day by day. I am barely able to adult, but I am doing the best I can to pay the bills, make meals and make sure the kids are dressed and don’t stink too badly. We have also added a new member of our little clan. Pat’s dear friend, A, has moved in with us for a while while she deals with some of her own difficult times. So, I’m sorry for being so quiet here and on social media lately. I just don’t know what to say or what to share at the moment.

I’ve been losing myself in beauty videos on youtube. Let me know if you want me to share any links, faves or any of my own stuff. I don’t think I can do videos at the moment with everything that we have going on, but I can certainly try to post more. It’s just tough with a velcro baby and velcro preschooler, on top of an ill husband. Mason’s 4 Month post is coming up in the next couple of days, and I also have plans to post about the Eco Chic Movement baby line soon, so stay tuned.

Thanks for understanding, y’all. I really appreciate you being there through the fun and the hard times.

Crafting, Depression, family

Mending

It’s funny how the world really does work in a system of checks and balances. Hours after making my last post, L started puking. About a day later, I fell ill. The following day, Pat did. We all had a nasty stomach flu and we’re still on the mend. I have to say, every time one of us gets sick, even with something minor like a cold or a flu, I think about those people in my life who are or have been single parents, or who care for children with disabilities or long term illness. I am humbled.

There were points over the last few days where I sat and cried because I didn’t want to change another sick diaper, or because I couldn’t hold my baby and vomit at the same time. I had back up. My husband works for a company that values families, and allowed him to be home with us. When Pat was sick too, I was able to call on family and friends to drop off a care package. It only took days for us all to get better, and there I was, crying and moaning about how hard it was. Of course, it didn’t help that I had been off of my medication for the duration of my stomach bug.

Sick sleepy cuddles
Sick sleepy cuddles

I never felt that it was fair to play the “This is hard, but other people have it harder” game, but some times I need to remind myself that others have survived and I will too. Little man is now resting, and I am thankful that I still breastfeed, and was able to provide him with the best nutrition I could while he couldn’t keep anything else down. I am thankful for frozen french fries because they don’t upset my stomach and for Zoloft for making me mentally stable again.

I am in the process of the great “Post Illness Clean” ritual that I seem to fall into after every big sick that floats around. My house smells like fresh laundry and vinegar, I love it! I wish I knew more about illness, though. How long does it live on surfaces? Is vinegar the best to disinfect the non-porous surfaces? Will I put my friends at risk of falling ill if they come over in the next bit?

I’m thinking about joining a KAL that is being hosted by a local mom and baby knitting group. It’s a shawlette, which I would totally wear, but isn’t my normal project. I worry I won’t be able to keep up (I’m already quite a bit behind). It’s for this shawl:

HoldenShawlette2_medium

I may even have the perfect yarn for it already that I had grabbed last year when I was planning on making myself a couple of these:

Sallah_Cowl_1_medium2I suppose I could make one of each. It’s nice to feel the itch to knit again! I always take incredible comfort from the act of knitting. There’s something powerful in creating items of clothing or accessories out of yarn over a long duration. There is so much energy and intent that goes into it. It’s healing and beautiful to me.

And with that, I’m off to go spend some of my baby free time knitting, before little man wakes up from his nap.