Baby, Daily Life, Depression, family, Health, Paganism

Spring

I empathize with Spring this year. I don’t want to leave the house yet. I am comfortable under my layers of blankets and sweaters. I feel like I have more thinking and coping to do. That said, I think everyone is so very ready for the bleak cold winter days to be OVER ALREADY.

Mucha's seasons (just winter and spring)
Sisters, Winter and Spring.

The last few weeks have been rough here. I feel like the poor plants, trapped in the cold earth, waiting for the weather to change and welcome me back. My Mom’s birthday came and went, and I felt my heart breaking for my son’s lack. He will never know how her eyes sparkled and her laugh cackled when she was truly amused by something. He will never know her stern look over the frame of her glasses, paired by that Marge-esq grumble. He is at an age now where he remembers. He misses people and he asks about them. He tells elaborate stories about his best friend, Gus. He talks about his favourite person in the world, his Auntie Tracy. When my Mum’s birthday came, and he saw me crying while watching a tribute video made by my Dad’s family (estranged to us), he was so worried. He doesn’t understand who these people are that I miss so terribly. I have pictures of them up, I talk about them as much as I can, but he doesn’t know them. There are just some days where that hurts so very much.

Ostara was kind of quiet for us this year. We talked a bit about it, I made a crustless quiche (my Mom’s recipe), and some bunny buns. I gave everyone some mini-eggs and that was it. At least, that was it until my girlfriend, Sarah, called up and told us that she had some extra tickets to the Live Dinosaur Train show. Such a great time! Liam loved it.

Bunny Buns and Quiche
Bunny Buns and Quiche
Liam and I at Dinosaur Train
Dinosaur Train!

A couple days later, I was overcome by the need to do some spring cleaning, and basically attacked the house. Unfortunately, my health hasn’t been great and I very quickly lost steam. I’m doing a tiny bit each day. My back, neck and knee have been acting up. It’s been 5 years since my accident, and I am seeing now how this has changed my life. Even the most basic things, like sitting on the floor to play with my kid and a ball is hard for me.

Easter is around the corner now. Much like Ostara, I don’t have my steam or excitement for it. We’ve been doing some crafts and talking about it as an extension of Ostara, but I can’t help but think about how it was the last holiday I had with Mom, 5 years ago. I can’t help but deeply miss my sister and wish that I was surrounded by loud, insane, offensive family all over again (My Dad’s kids and my parents. Tracy and I are very alike in that we became very small and quiet at the big family dinners. Of course, we helped each other stay sane during those crazy visits).

20150328_09290120150328_092925(1)On the plus side, all of this reflection has given me the push to finally save my pictures from my old desktop that has been sitting dead for 3 years. Pat managed to get it going long enough for me to back everything up. My goal is to start making family photo books. Gives me the ability to celebrate the family, love and support that I do have.

What are your plans for the holiday weekend?

Daily Life

Happy Imbolc

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Winter Prayer, by Danielle Barlow

We have spent the weekend playing in the (abundant) snow, eating lots of milk products, spending quality time together and dreaming of the spring. The groundhog saw his shadow, giving us 6 more weeks of snow. Despite being over winter, I think I need that time before the sun comes and we are thrust back out into the world. I feel like I need more time to knit, drink tea and cuddle up in slippers and fleece. So, happy Saint Bride’s day, happy Imbolc, happy groundhog day. We had a lovely one <3

Paganism

Tarot Reading

So, every night for the last month or so, I’ve been having stress dreams and nightmares. Every. Single. Night. I’m not sure why, but I expected this to stop in the new year. That somehow, 2014 would wipe the slate clean. Clearly, this was not the case. The dreams all feature my parents, my parents home, feeling as thought I am misunderstood, lots of stress, heartbreak, people not trusting me, packing up my parents house, my dad’s kids or people from my past.

After a particularly bad dream this morning, I’ve decided to do a tarot reading to see what I can do to understand this situation better.

Deck Used: Shadowscapes

Spread: The Journey, from the Shadowscapes book.

Initial draw:

I do a quick initial draw to warm myself up and to introduce the topic. It’s sort of my way of making sure the cards and I are connected and on the same page, topic wise.

tarot1Getting to the heart of the matter, inner knowledge, need to move on from the past, Personal reflection. Inner strength. Truth. Strong sense of purpose, Seeking guidance. Caught in the past, over thinking, limiting oneself. A sign of discord, conflict of interests, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Passage away from difficulties, a chance to recover, too much change has led to a time of darkness that you must find a way to rise from.

tarot2Leaving Behind:

Caught in the past, over thinking, limiting oneself. Making a choice to either reap the rewards of effort or wait further – The time of waiting is over. Enjoy the reward of your efforts. A calm moment of consideration of alternatives and different approaches. A sensitive woman. A true romantic, wants to just sit and breathe, listening to the still voice from within.

I have spent too much time thinking about my options, working towards the reward and ignoring the fruit, caught in the past. It’s time to move on from being the romantic woman, lost in herself, and start living and appreciating now.

tarot3Why am I on this journey:

Introverted personality. Clinging to the past. Attachment. Immaturity. Refusal to accept responsibility. Selfishness. Emotional suspension, anxiety, guilt. A traitor – one who has turned his back to friends and loved ones and in effect on himself in the process.

Am I refusing to accept the role I played in my mother’s estate badness? Or do I have too much guilt about it? I was placed in the role of Traitor…must think about this further.

Star/Guiding Force:

Letting go of the past, being honest with myself, make new goals and let go of the old me.

Challenge:

Seeking where my heart and emotions lead, idealist, following my dreams and intuition, yearning for perfection, seeking my grail.

Destination:

Effects of stress, responsibilities may seem too much, take time to determine priorities, centering myself without losing myself in thought. So many demands and dependencies, doing things the hard way, taking on too much, the burden is taken on willingly because she knows she has the strength to do it.

Daily Life, family, Paganism

Merry Yule!

We had a lovely day yesterday. Pat is off work for two weeks, so the pace has slowed significantly around here. We’re hanging out in pjs, eating comfort foods and not worrying too much about the mess.

After a day of rest, coffee and presents (oh, and bubbles. So many bubbles), the darkness started to fill the house and I prepared Liam’s paintings for a transformation into our Yule lanterns. I got the idea from this great post.

We then took some time to talk about winter, about solstice, about darkness and the return of the light and what the lanterns represented.

Today, we are being covered in more snow and freezing rain, so we are hunkering down and making a list of last minute things we need to pick up before Christmas. I have some baking plans that should be interesting! Let’s see if my in laws enjoy these creations :D

I hope Yule was as beautiful for you as it was for us and may we all enjoy the slow return of longer days and sunlight.

053

Uncategorized

Losing My Religion

It all started when Mom was sick. I prayed. I prayed and I begged for time. I prayed for her health and for our family. The sicker she got, the more I spoke with my Gods. Please, let her live to see my children. Please, let her live to see Tracy graduate. Please, let her live to see me get married.

The night she passed, I prayed that she would live long enough for my sister and her brother’s to arrive.

Nothing happened. She died 3 hours before they arrived.

After her death, I prayed that my half siblings would come to their senses. I prayed that they would see what they were doing, what they were saying. I prayed that things weren’t going the way that I feared they would. I prayed for peace.

Through it all, I held fast to my faith. I saw others waver. I did all I could to keep up the conversation with my own little concept of a higher power.

Then I got pregnant. I was full of hope and dreams. I felt so connected to everything. I researched rituals, blessingways, meditations, yoga. I felt like a part of this wonderful energy of the cosmos, like somehow, this beautiful little person inside me had tied me into the universe again.

When I went into labour, I naturally reached out to the earth, to the Powers that Be. I breathed, I moaned, I swayed and asked them to hold me and guide me through.

I didn’t feel anything.

Nothing.

I felt completely cut off. Completely on my own, in my own body. That connection, I realized, wasn’t there. Had it ever been there?

My nephew has schizophrenia, as well as a bevvy of other mental disorders and addictions. He was fundamental in the development of my faith. It was through him that I found my own path, though I had already been looking into it on my own for years. When we realized how ill he was, I was shaken. Had my faith been mental illness too? No, I was so sure what I had felt and experienced had been real.

Was it real?

I have been Pagan for 15 years. I did not grow up with religion. My mother, as a girl, had bounced from church to church, following friends and choirs. The one common element was Jesus. My father had had a very negative damaging experience with Catholicism and was a steadfast atheist after that. The only church I attended as a child was for weddings, funerals or because my nanny brought me. For the first time since I found faith, all on my own, I don’t believe in anything. I am completely lost.

I have a son, nearly one year old, and I don’t know what’s out there, what happens next. What I know is that there is a dark hole where my gods and goddesses once stood.

I feel so alone.

EDIT: I’m ok. I know I’m not alone alone. It’s more that itty bitty ant feeling. I have friends, I have family. I just no longer have my faith and the empty hole is gaping.

Crafting, Daily Life, Paganism

A rambling fall post

It’s been one of those weeks that just wears you right down to the ground. There’s been family drama, estate drama, the death of my year old iPhone, work troubles, hormones, nightmares, illness, serious money troubles, you name it. October has been hard on us. Today S and her wee ones popped by for a visit and some running around. I swear, there’s nothing like having your nearest and dearest around when you’re going through hell. I also heard that L is coming to town next week for work, so I’m going to be even more spoiled with some bestie time.

You can feel autumn in the air, the chill, and the smell of the leaves. I usually love this season, but it’s always a hard time of reviewing what you have around you and the drawing end of the year. I’ve been thinking a lot about Samhain and what we’re going to do this year. I haven’t really been practicing much. Honestly, since losing my mother, I’ve been afraid to get back in touch with my faith. It’s like that saying “Once bitten, twice shy”. I’ve been so afraid of getting in touch with that part of myself. I’m thinking I’m going to make either Red Moon’s Honey and Lavender cake or some kind of spice cake. I’m thinking about doing some kind of ritual for the dead. I don’t know. Being pregnant, I’m not in the mood to go out partying like in past years. Maybe we’ll just stay home and watch scary movies. I’ve been dreaming of my parents almost every night this month.

On a cheerier note, my workplace has decided that we should dress up for Halloween. Being preggo makes that difficult for me, until I saw this:

Yes. It has been purchased and shipped. I picked up a black shirt from Old Navy today while out with S. You can be a fashionable preggo this Halloween too! Here’s the shop where I found it.

The cold is helping to revive my creative spirit though, which is nice. I’m plotting some knitting projects (finish the hat for Pat, start on a scarf for a friend and of course – BABY STUFF). I’ve been thinking about getting back into journaling and maybe even drawing. Being forced inside isn’t always a bad thing I suppose. Also, I’ve been recently inspired to try my hand at a few new crafts. Firstly, here is a LOVELY wreath that Danielle made over at PHIT:

Didn't she do an amazing job? I love those colours!

Seriously, run over to her blog and tell her how amazing that is. My friend Krista of Dandelion Express made a wreath too:

Again, aren't these ladies super talented?

I just need some felt, I think, and these could be mine. I even have a foam wreath frame thingie from when I was thinking about making a mobile for a co-workers baby. (PS, don’t try making a hand knit mobile for a co-workers baby 2 weeks before the baby is due. You will never finish.) The mobile in question:

How cute, right?

I have the worm dragonfly body done. Yeah. That’s it. Here’s the Rav pattern page.

BUT! Despite that failure, I am considering attempting some felt mobile ideas for Babeh. I came across from obscenely cute ones on etsy:

Adorable! So colourful and happy! All for the low low price of…65?! Yeaaaaah, no. It gets worse too. We’re thinking about doing a woodland themed nursery (by we, I mean me. Heh.) She has a woodland themed mobile:

NEED IT.

It’s 75$. Yes. 75$. So, I’m thinking of spending maybe 20$ on felt and supplies and going from there. I think I can do it :D  Here’s the etsy store if you are interested.

Anyway, I’m off to listen to some more Neko Case and maybe even enjoy a book. Have a great weekend everyone <3

Daily Life, Paganism

Death in my Shadow

If you go way back and look at my archives for this journal, you’ll see that I imported a bunch of my posts from an old LJ of mine. I kept that LJ mainly for recording my dreams, my pagan experiences and my self-betterment stuff (the artist’s way, therapy, diets, work outs, etc…). There was a time when I noticed things around me, and wrote down patterns that I picked up so that I could ponder their significance later (for instance, bees, as discussed in this imported post and in my tattoo post)

Maybe it’s that the fog lifted a bit yesterday, or maybe it’s because I’m looking for something to be significant, but it’s been one of those days.

Last night I had a dream about Mum and Dad. This isn’t unusual, though lately I must say I haven’t had many. In this dream, Mum and Dad wouldn’t leave the house in Orleans. It had already been purchased by the new family and I was stopping by one last time to make sure everything was ok before signing the closing documents. I arrived at the house to find it was completely furnished still. I was confused, knowing that I had emptied the house. It was all the furniture I could remember from my childhood. The ugly giant sectional that lived in the basement when I was a teen. The beige pullout couch that was scratchy that came from our place in Winnipeg. Old things that I haven’t seen in years. I found Dad in the kitchen, reading a paper. I asked him why he was still there and he gave me a look like I was being ridiculous and said “Because, Pooh Bear, this is home. Where else would I be?” I tried to argue with him, but he just didn’t listen.

I went upstairs to find it set up similarly. Everything was the way it was when I was growing up. My room at the front of the house was set up like it was when I was a teen. Covered in posters and anime crap. The middle room was set up for the nanny I had when I was 5. Tracy’s room was pink, and set up as though she and I were still sharing it. I walked into Mum’s room and it looked like it was full of stuff. Some covered in protective blankets. Boxes everywhere, like someone was packing up and leaving things behind, but protected from the dust/etc… There were spider webs in the corners of the room, and dust starting to settle on things. I found Mum sitting on the edge of her bed, packing a bag. I asked her what she was doing and she looked up to me, surprised to see me “Oh, thanks for coming dear. I need some help going through these things.” she said. I told her, gently, that we had to go. She asked me where. I told her “Mum, this place has sold, remember? We have to have it completely cleaned out for the new owners by midnight”. She looked confused and upset. “But this is my home. Our home.” she said. I told her that it wasn’t our home anymore, that we needed to leave so that the new family could move in. “But why are we leaving? This is our home!” she exclaimed. I replied “Mum, we need to move on. We need to go. We have so much packing and cleaning to do”. She refused and told me that she wanted to stay in her home.

I woke up, upset. I know part of this is from a blog that was linked in a post I read on Rav a couple of days ago about someone who moved into the house they just bought to find the previous owners still living there. I woke up feeling like Mum and Dad are still attached to the house, and that thought breaks my heart.

This morning, on my way to work, I was surprised by some very ballsy crows. They were sitting at the end of a neighbour’s driveway, chittering at me as I passed. I was only a couple feet away and they didn’t move or freak out at all. I nodded at them, as I normally do when I come close to a crow and they both continued to watch me, and squawked at me when I turned the corner. For some reason, something about it stuck with me. When I got to work, I read this post by Porcelain Heart Ivory Tooth (and commented) and then one of the LSG girls posted this article on Google +. Obviously, today has picked up something of a theme.

I think sometimes the universe forces us to deal with things, whether we want to or not. Symbols, totems and shamanism has been on my mind lately so maybe that’s why this is starting up again. Maybe I’m looking for it. This camping trip this weekend is bringing up some old hurts. An ex friend of mine used to take me camping in the same area, and the last time I was there I had some really interesting experiences with birds (specifically hummingbirds, a blue heron and some ducks).  Today, I feel like Death is sitting my shadow, following me around. Forcing me to deal with it.

I don’t talk about this much because it tends to worry people, but I’ve had PTSD for a while now, which includes flashbacks. Lately I’ve been getting lots of them. Anything seems to trigger them, often just a cycle of thoughts that somehow brings me to either my Mum, Dad or the big fight with my siblings.  The last few have been all about Mum, the moments before she did, the stroke she had in my arms and right before we took her to the hospital. Once they start I do everything in my power to break them off and get back into the Now, which may be why I’m being visited by Death today. I’m not letting myself experience these things, I’m refusing to look at them again and re-experience it all.

Anyway, it’s an interesting day. I hope this coming weekend lets me take some time to relax and regroup. Obviously I need it.