Death in my Shadow

If you go way back and look at my archives for this journal, you’ll see that I imported a bunch of my posts from an old LJ of mine. I kept that LJ mainly for recording my dreams, my pagan experiences and my self-betterment stuff (the artist’s way, therapy, diets, work outs, etc…). There was a time when I noticed things around me, and wrote down patterns that I picked up so that I could ponder their significance later (for instance, bees, as discussed in this imported post and in my tattoo post)

Maybe it’s that the fog lifted a bit yesterday, or maybe it’s because I’m looking for something to be significant, but it’s been one of those days.

Last night I had a dream about Mum and Dad. This isn’t unusual, though lately I must say I haven’t had many. In this dream, Mum and Dad wouldn’t leave the house in Orleans. It had already been purchased by the new family and I was stopping by one last time to make sure everything was ok before signing the closing documents. I arrived at the house to find it was completely furnished still. I was confused, knowing that I had emptied the house. It was all the furniture I could remember from my childhood. The ugly giant sectional that lived in the basement when I was a teen. The beige pullout couch that was scratchy that came from our place in Winnipeg. Old things that I haven’t seen in years. I found Dad in the kitchen, reading a paper. I asked him why he was still there and he gave me a look like I was being ridiculous and said “Because, Pooh Bear, this is home. Where else would I be?” I tried to argue with him, but he just didn’t listen.

I went upstairs to find it set up similarly. Everything was the way it was when I was growing up. My room at the front of the house was set up like it was when I was a teen. Covered in posters and anime crap. The middle room was set up for the nanny I had when I was 5. Tracy’s room was pink, and set up as though she and I were still sharing it. I walked into Mum’s room and it looked like it was full of stuff. Some covered in protective blankets. Boxes everywhere, like someone was packing up and leaving things behind, but protected from the dust/etc… There were spider webs in the corners of the room, and dust starting to settle on things. I found Mum sitting on the edge of her bed, packing a bag. I asked her what she was doing and she looked up to me, surprised to see me “Oh, thanks for coming dear. I need some help going through these things.” she said. I told her, gently, that we had to go. She asked me where. I told her “Mum, this place has sold, remember? We have to have it completely cleaned out for the new owners by midnight”. She looked confused and upset. “But this is my home. Our home.” she said. I told her that it wasn’t our home anymore, that we needed to leave so that the new family could move in. “But why are we leaving? This is our home!” she exclaimed. I replied “Mum, we need to move on. We need to go. We have so much packing and cleaning to do”. She refused and told me that she wanted to stay in her home.

I woke up, upset. I know part of this is from a blog that was linked in a post I read on Rav a couple of days ago about someone who moved into the house they just bought to find the previous owners still living there. I woke up feeling like Mum and Dad are still attached to the house, and that thought breaks my heart.

This morning, on my way to work, I was surprised by some very ballsy crows. They were sitting at the end of a neighbour’s driveway, chittering at me as I passed. I was only a couple feet away and they didn’t move or freak out at all. I nodded at them, as I normally do when I come close to a crow and they both continued to watch me, and squawked at me when I turned the corner. For some reason, something about it stuck with me. When I got to work, I read this post by Porcelain Heart Ivory Tooth (and commented) and then one of the LSG girls posted this article on Google +. Obviously, today has picked up something of a theme.

I think sometimes the universe forces us to deal with things, whether we want to or not. Symbols, totems and shamanism has been on my mind lately so maybe that’s why this is starting up again. Maybe I’m looking for it. This camping trip this weekend is bringing up some old hurts. An ex friend of mine used to take me camping in the same area, and the last time I was there I had some really interesting experiences with birds (specifically hummingbirds, a blue heron and some ducks).  Today, I feel like Death is sitting my shadow, following me around. Forcing me to deal with it.

I don’t talk about this much because it tends to worry people, but I’ve had PTSD for a while now, which includes flashbacks. Lately I’ve been getting lots of them. Anything seems to trigger them, often just a cycle of thoughts that somehow brings me to either my Mum, Dad or the big fight with my siblings.  The last few have been all about Mum, the moments before she did, the stroke she had in my arms and right before we took her to the hospital. Once they start I do everything in my power to break them off and get back into the Now, which may be why I’m being visited by Death today. I’m not letting myself experience these things, I’m refusing to look at them again and re-experience it all.

Anyway, it’s an interesting day. I hope this coming weekend lets me take some time to relax and regroup. Obviously I need it.

Symbols

A bit of an introduction, in case you haven’t read back into posts that I’ve added from my LJ. I am a Green Witch, which means that I practice shamanism, and such as in this specific case, animals tend to pop up in my daily life and in dreams with a message for me.

Lately, a few animals have been repeatedly popping up in my dreams, so I figured I should look into them a bit.

Cameos
Groundhog: Mystery of death without dying/trance/dreams. Ability to get deep into within an area of interst. New study about to open up. 2 years for things to come to fruition. Signals of the boundaries in your life are important. Hibernation and the opening to dream time. Dreams more significant.
Hippo: Intuitive knowing. Practicallity and stability. Able to see beneath the surface. Proper use of aggression, Ability to move gracefully through emotions, Mother-fury when necessary, Birth of new ideas, Protection of family
Elephant: Great teachers and masters, fertility, wisdom, success, ancient power, sexual power, strength, pay attention to scents. Family.
Snakes: Rebirth, resurrection, initiation and wisdom. Transformation and healing. sexual and creative life force. kundalini, transition, sensitive to the auras of others. Learning. Sense of smell.

Main Focus (As in, have appeared in about 10+ dreams now)
Rabbit: Associated with Hecate and the moon. Hopping in ones endeavors. Unknowingly leading into the faery world. Symbol for sexuality and fertility. Generally means cycles of 28 starting in your life. Planning for possibilities. Check plans. Do not box self in corner. Do not foreshadow your plans. Recognizing signs around you. Facing fears and turning weakness into strength. From a website: If you see Rabbit or in any way feel attracted to him, it may be telling you to wait for the forces of the universe to start moving again, to stop worrying and to get rid of your fears. It always indicates a need to re-evaluate the process you are undergoing, to rid yourself of any negative feelings or barriers, and to be more humble.

Hrm. Things to consider to be sure.

Totem?

Since my trip to the cottage this past summer, hummingbirds and birds in general have been appearing to me. I’ve now had three hummingbird dreams since then with what I think to be the most significant happening just the other night.

First, the hummingbird hijacks a dream in process. It flies up to me and hovers near my face, near my ear. It then approaches me carefully (as though I might run away) and begins to…well, the only way to explain it is to say it fed from me. It chose the first hole into my body it could find, which ended up being my nose piercing. It fed from me as though my blood was nectar.


So, I’m going to look at this from Ted Andrew’s workbook:

-Colour? Body was blue, head was green and I think it had a few feathers in red.
-Size? Small
-shape? Typical hummingbird. Slender, graceful, long beak
-Behaviour? Caring, comforting, calming, joyful.

Keynotes: Tireless joy and the nectar of life (Huh. Interesting!)
Circle of Power: Daytime

-Humming restores internal balance and health
-Reminds us to find joy in what we do and sing it out
-Associated with fire, relationships, past and future.
-Flight is a symbol for infinity and links the past and the future and the laws of cause and effect
-Could not live without the flowers that they feed from, and many flowers could not live without them due to the pollinating that they do

– teaches cause and effect and how to extract your own nectar.
-Flowers for healing
-explore the past
-Associated with rain and endurance
-May be a message about the sweetness of your own life. Too much? Too little?
-Fiercly independant
-Hard workers
-Create joy in the home
-Important to get regular and deep sleep to prevent burning out
-Accomplishing what seems to be impossible

Wow. Certainly a lot to consider! I think I may need a reading on this! What do you guys think?

Meanwhile, this is beautiful to me.

Dreams

Lately I’ve been having some interesting dreams.

The other day, I dreamt of a blue heron taking flight from a deep blue body of water. I felt a sense of freedom in the flight, of power and graceful strength.

Last night, I had another dream. This one centered around a fox.

I found a fox amongst pet ferrets. She was a beautiful little thing, looking tired and hungry. I wanted to keep her, but knew it wasn’t right to keep her caged. First, I acted out of reaction and literally tossed her outside. She looked hurt, but came back anyway. I apologized, upset at myself for having hurt her. I hadn’t meant to. I just thought she wanted to be free. I knew then that if I got her back on her feet, and let her go, she would be happier and may come back to me again, in her own time.

So, I fed her, and kept her warm and put her outside so that she could leave when she was ready. I made sure to check on her, to keep the dog away from her. She left that night and I was sad to see her gone. I remember a feeling of hope that she might come back to me, but at least now she was where she belonged.

Dreams and a reading

Was hoping to go to work today, but my cold and tummy kept me up all night. Unfortunately, once I did fall asleep, the cats decided it was their turn.

In the short time that I did sleep, these were my dreams. I miss them.

One. Ranch like setting. I am visiting for the summer. Extended family, perhaps? I am out, helping Farmer with something when I see the horses in the field. I spot The Horse the same time she sees me. We pick each other. I gesture, as a test, and she comes over.

We ride, and we are free. She is brown, light on her body, dark in her mane. We ride throughout the open country side. One day, I take off the saddle, and decide to ride her bareback. Terrifying at first, but exhilarating. We both get carried away and ride into a neighbouring farm land. I had been warned never to cross the boundaries, and to make haste if ever I do. So, we flee back to our own land. Our farmer and theirs see us though. (Note: the other farmer is a cow farmer). I am told upon our return that I was rude to the neighbours, that I should have stopped, apologized, and walked the horse back. I tell them I did as I had been told, but they ignore me. I am to be punished.

I am sent away, to learn to ride and act like a lady. Only then will I be allowed to see my girl again.

I am heart and spirit broken.

Away, I make friends, though I try to keep my head down to just get through and get back. These friends try to bring me out of my shell. They are troublemakers, but not in a malicious way, just in the way that you are as children, pushing boundaries. There is this one boy, long dirty blonde hair (like my horse) and blue eyes takes a fancy to me, and tries to figure out who I really am. He seems a good girl, who is afraid to be herself. He decides to help me, so we study together.

Coming weekend, there is to be a dance. We are all excited, though at this point, for whatever reason, I embrace the idea of being myself. We are trying to pick music for the car ride down.

Two. Lisa-Marie has this house of healing and expression. Sarah Beth and I are there for a day of workshops I guess. The house inside is old and grand, and everything is white, flowy or turquoise. When we arrive, she is in a session with someone, though I don’t know what that means. So, we wait and talk.

To start things off, I am asked by LM to start the stretches while she finishes off with her last client. I feel honoured. I command attention and impress the fellow students. I am full of pride and grace. We can each feel the energy in the yogic stretches I am leading (note: I recognize these from the Kundalini classes I have done with Kat). After the stretches/yoga session, LM joins us and asks us to gather around this grand white table.

There, our group is no longer just women, but men as well. To my left is Sarah Beth, to my right is a blond haired man with beautiful blue eyes (could be an older version of the previous boy. Hair is shorter and far more blond). Across from me is LM. The exercise is to sing some lines that have been provided to us in whatever way we see fit. LM starts. I realize she has the same piece as I do. I am happy to hear her interpretation. It goes clockwise from her, and so after Sarah Beth, it is my turn. I realize then that my piece is actually part one of two, and the Blonde Haired man has the second part. All I remember from my piece is “Rose Red”. This man made me feel appreciated, talented, beautiful and….pure? I can’t say any person has ever made me feel that way…at least not in adult life.

Scene suddenly shifts, and some of us are to dance. It is an improv, and the dream me is confident, strong, excited, pleased and not at all nervous.

I just did a Tarot reading:

Six of Cups: Living in the past, trying to recapture good feelings from the past into the presentLonging for the good old days and the opportunity to bring some of those memories into the present, but with care and relevance to the current life so that the current experience is still meaningful. Reunions.

Seven of Cups: Many choices lay ahead and while each may seem inticing, only one is the right answer for me. Warning against daydreaming rather than using the necessary energy to bring goals into fruition. Meditation and vision quest advised. Prioritize options. Will power needed to achieve goals.

Justice Acting deliberately, with purpose. Power of law, retribution, balance, truth, virtue, an agent working on your behalf, advice.

Seven of Coins: Hard work=fruit of labour. Wait for the proper time, don’t rush the harvest. anticipated gains, nurturing a project or a plan, work decisions need careful consideration, working hard to acquire what is desired.

Four of Swords: Repose. Stepping back from a conflict to reassess the situation with calm thought. Need for respite from the battle, but also awareness that letting down one’s guard is not an option. Being ready to fight may in itself precipitate a pause in conflict. Introspection, replenishment, fatigue, energy grounded, not the time to make definite plans, period of self cleansing and releasing the emotional burdens of others.

Six of Coins, R: Overspending, avarice, loss through negligence or theft, debts, unpaid loans, money owed to others, others envious of your success.

Two of Cups: Union, love. Satisfying partnership, joy, happiness, Sense of well-being that is shared with another, mutual respect and enjoyment, new phase.

Nine of Wands: The Fortification of solid accomplishment. You have the energy and strength to handle any problems that may turn up. Success does not go unnoticed and calls forward energies of competition. State of readiness to deal swiftly and thouroughly with the opposition, inner determination is key, and is harmonized with the individual to create inner peace and victory. Regroup thoughts before continuing.

Huh. Well, that was dead on.

Bees and Foxes

Imported from LJ – Bees and Foxes
They’re everywhere to me right now. I know there is a message for me in it, I just can’t seem to figure it out.

With the bees, it’s been something on my mind for a while. The Beekeeper album by Tori Amos kind of started it off. This was continued in her book, piece by piece, which briefly goes over the sacred nature of bees and beekeeping. Since then, especially in the last few days, I’ve been bombarded. I read “The Secret Life of Bees” by Sue Monk Kidd (Awesome book, btw) which focuses on bees and their tie to the sacred feminine (in tht specific case, the black madonna). At work I keep dealing with census’ of bee keepers. Bees themselves tend to come up in conversations around me, without any help from me, etc…

I don’t know enough about bees to know what to think. I think I’m going to do some futher research. I looked into local beekeepers and found a Pagan couple just outside ottawa, who make “Blessed Bee” honey. Heh. I’m tempted to ask if I can visit and talk to them.

Foxes have been sneaking up in a similar way for a while. Nathan bought me a fox print, saying he thought of me when he saw it. Pat’s Mum came up with a silly nickname for me “The little fox”, I keep hearing about them in conversations, in articles, and so forth. Hmm.

Foxes and bees everywhere, but what does it all mean?

Update:
Since this post, there have been a few new “Bee” things.
-Bought an album by the lead singer of a great band out of Montreal, Stars. The singer, Amy Millan finally put out this solo album. I had to laugh when I picked it up. “Honey from the Tomb” with a big ‘ol bee on the cover
-I told my Dad about the bee whatnot, he started laughing and put down the newspaper he was reading. Right there, in front of us both, an article on Bees in Ottawa.
-I went to put the dog out and noticed some freakin’ huge bugs flying around lazily. My mum, out front, noticed them too. Bees. About 24 at the front of the house. about 7-12 at the back. Turns out they may have been June Bugs, but we’re not sure
-David Usher’s been working on a new song, I just found today: Life of Bees (which you can find on his myspace site)
-I went to Michael’s to pick up some craft supplies. Almost ran right into a huge bee stamp kit.
-I’ve always been attracted to amber jewellery
-I was going to see a woman from a local pagan group with Lis to talk about botanical tattoos. Turns out she’s a beekeeper

Kat has leant me a book on Animals and Shamanism, an it’s given me quite the insight into the situation. ONe of the key points that I’m taking from this is that I’m working too hard without enjoying the fruits of my labour. Working for the sake of working and missing out on life. Hmm.