I’m not sure if its the proximity to Christmas, or the fact that with Yule just around the corner, we have more darkness than light, but I have been having a bit of a tough time this week.
My nights, when I am able to sleep, have been plagued with difficult dreams (Pest infestations, dead babies, dying parents, lost love, fires, homelessness, fighting, lost friendships, etc…). I have been moody, sensitive and withdrawn.
I’m not sure if he’s mirroring me, or if he’s going through his own darkness, but Liam has been having a hard time too. He’s been extremely sensitive, violent, moody and has completely changed his sleep habits. He naps hours later all of a sudden, and is back to multiple difficult wake ups at night. He’s sleep walking, sleep talking and sleep punching.
Thankfully, I have some incredible friends. Yesterday, I was in a sad rage and they were able to talk me down in seconds. Pat has been my rock as well. He knows me better than I do sometimes. I decided to take a second and turn my negative moment into something positive. I wrote a quick note to someone who saved me years ago, who I never thanked before.
In University, I had some severe self-esteem issues. My depression was untreated and I had just gone through a hard break up. Pat and I had been dating for years, but neither one of us were happy any more. We loved each other, but were no longer IN LOVE. It broke both of our hearts to walk away, but we did it. I fell into another relationship very quickly afterwards and it took an unhealthy turn. Both my boyfriend and another boy in my life encouraged me to change my look. I was encouraged to diet, to cut my hair drastically, to change my clothes and pretty much everything about me. I dropped from around 140lbs to 120lbs in a very short amount of time through crash diets. These crash diets turned into an eating disorder, and the weight kept dropping. I didn’t see how unhealthy I was, despite my close friends telling me that a hand full of olives and two slices of lunch meat didn’t count as a healthy lunch.
My family didn’t know, or recognize it. Part of the problem was that my father was morbidly obese. Both of my parents were dealing with serious health problems, as were my father’s children. An answer to that was to start a popular diet at the time – Atkins. We encouraged each other to survive on only 20g of carbs a day, long past the 2 weeks detailed in the plan.
One day, in the Hums lounge, I was flirting with one of the boys I always had a crush on (We will call him “C”. He was gorgeous and knew it, emotionally damaged, treated me like crap) when one of my friends pulled me aside.
Kyle and I had never really been close. We had gone to high school together, but traveled in different social circles. Even though we had been in the same group of friends in University, we never really bonded. I was laughing and packing up my bag, when Kyle pulled me aside and told me he was worried about me. He spoke with me so kindly, gently and with so much compassion. He told me I was beautiful, but that I had lost so much weight, so quickly. He was scared for me, and wanted me to get help. His voice broke through it all. He shook me out of this fog I had surrounded myself with to survive my parents illness and my own self destruction.
That night, I weighed myself. In under a month, I had dropped from 143lbs to 108lbs. I could see my ribs. I washed my face and saw the dark circles under my eyes. I saw that outbreak of eczema that covered me in dry peeling skin. My hair seemed so thin and dull. What was I doing?
I never talked to Kyle about it again. In fact, I never really addressed it with anyone. I started eating more and more, gradually. I slowly gained back the weight, to around 125lbs. There I stayed for a while, until the end of University and another bad bought of depression.
Yesterday I sent Kyle a short note, thanking him for his kindness and his strength. In typical Kyle fashion, he responded so beautifully. He thanked me for thanking him (we are so Canadian). Suddenly, a bit of my darkness was gone. Today, I am having my girls and their boys over. We will eat scones, drink tea and watch our boys get into trouble. I will talk to my sister on the phone and I will do a tarot reading. I will cuddle my boy to sleep and guide him back to bed every time he wakes and cries. It’s almost Yule. It’s almost time for the light to start coming back.