It all started when Mom was sick. I prayed. I prayed and I begged for time. I prayed for her health and for our family. The sicker she got, the more I spoke with my Gods. Please, let her live to see my children. Please, let her live to see Tracy graduate. Please, let her live to see me get married.

The night she passed, I prayed that she would live long enough for my sister and her brother’s to arrive.

Nothing happened. She died 3 hours before they arrived.

After her death, I prayed that my half siblings would come to their senses. I prayed that they would see what they were doing, what they were saying. I prayed that things weren’t going the way that I feared they would. I prayed for peace.

Through it all, I held fast to my faith. I saw others waver. I did all I could to keep up the conversation with my own little concept of a higher power.

Then I got pregnant. I was full of hope and dreams. I felt so connected to everything. I researched rituals, blessingways, meditations, yoga. I felt like a part of this wonderful energy of the cosmos, like somehow, this beautiful little person inside me had tied me into the universe again.

When I went into labour, I naturally reached out to the earth, to the Powers that Be. I breathed, I moaned, I swayed and asked them to hold me and guide me through.

I didn’t feel anything.

Nothing.

I felt completely cut off. Completely on my own, in my own body. That connection, I realized, wasn’t there. Had it ever been there?

My nephew has schizophrenia, as well as a bevvy of other mental disorders and addictions. He was fundamental in the development of my faith. It was through him that I found my own path, though I had already been looking into it on my own for years. When we realized how ill he was, I was shaken. Had my faith been mental illness too? No, I was so sure what I had felt and experienced had been real.

Was it real?

I have been Pagan for 15 years. I did not grow up with religion. My mother, as a girl, had bounced from church to church, following friends and choirs. The one common element was Jesus. My father had had a very negative damaging experience with Catholicism and was a steadfast atheist after that. The only church I attended as a child was for weddings, funerals or because my nanny brought me. For the first time since I found faith, all on my own, I don’t believe in anything. I am completely lost.

I have a son, nearly one year old, and I don’t know what’s out there, what happens next. What I know is that there is a dark hole where my gods and goddesses once stood.

I feel so alone.

EDIT: I’m ok. I know I’m not alone alone. It’s more that itty bitty ant feeling. I have friends, I have family. I just no longer have my faith and the empty hole is gaping.

One of my girlfriends recently shared a great post in a group we both belong to online. It was a peek into her life with her beautiful baby girl. I loved it and decided it would be fun to document one of our days with Liam, so here it is!

A Day in My Life

7am Baby wakes up. I nurse, change, and dress him. I Bring him downstairs and put him in the bouncer so that I can have toast and tea. Treehouse keeps his attention long enough for me to finish. He has a poopsplosion, so I change him and his outfit

8am Time to play on the floor. Maddie, our dog, is chased around the room. Liam tries to play with our subwoofer and gets annoyed when I keep saying no.

8:15 I realize the dog tracked in a bunch of dirt and cedar from the backyard (Liam tried to eat a bit of cedar hedge) so I do a quick vacuum and then we’re back to playing on the floor. FB until L gets annoyed and wants my attention.

8:40 little man is hungry so I nurse him.

8:45 It was only a little snack. We sing and dance for a bit and practice our clapping.

9:00 L goes in the jolly jumper but is unhappy. Going to try for first nap. Takes about 7 minutes of bouncing and “you are my sunshine” and he’s out. I work on some laundry and clean the kitchen. I finish putting together my WB April moms Christmas exchange gift. I then take out all of our scarves, hats and mitts from basement storage.

9:50 Liam wakes up. I nurse him and then put him in the jolly jumper. We watch Ellen while I make my grocery shopping list.

10:15 DH calls. We chat for a bit on speaker phone while L jumps. He’s happy to jump and hear his Dad

10:40 I strip down the guest bed and bring the linens down for laundry. I empty the vacuum canister

11:00 Tv goes off and music comes on. I change L and then put him in the Gemini to do some vacuuming and cleaning.

11:15 mail lady arrives with more Christmas gifts

11:17 begin dancing, singing and mopping in the kitchen.

11:30 play in living room while kitchen dries. Nurse

11:45 Accidentally bonk L in the head while moving a chair back to the kitchen. Snuggles and apologies :(

11:50 I have a quick shower and then take L to our room to have his next nap. I bounce and sing but he resists. I nurse and then try again

12:30 L falls asleep. I continue working on laundry. I clean out the fridge and prep our stuff for going out. I put my hair up and put on a bit of makeup. I drink my last bit of caffeine for the day (Dr. Pepper) and put some food on for lunch.

1:20 Liam wakes up. I put him in the bouncer and eat my lunch. I then nurse him an then Change him into warmer clothes and head out for groceries.

3:30 get home from groceries and the post office. Liam goes into the jolly jumper. I put the groceries away

4:15 nursed L and then put him down for his last nap of the day.

5:30 Liam wakes up and pat arrives home. I nurse L and change him. I play with him while Pat cleans

6:30 I start dinner while Pat plays with Liam. We eat while Liam plays in the bouncer. After we eat we put him on the floor and play with him

7:10 bath time!

7:30 bed time! We change him and read two stories (the Very hungry caterpillar and Lullaby Moon) we then give him snuggles and kisses. Pat preps our bed and turns out the light while I nurse Liam. Pat then takes Liam and burps him, then walks and pats him to sleep.
Asleep by around 8

8:40 Liam stirs. I nurse him down and go to bed myself at 9. Liam wakes up 6 more times during the night. Each time I get up, nurse him and he falls right back down. We get up for the day at 6:30am

6-7 Months Old

Month 6 was rough. Sleep still was not going well and all of us were fighting colds and bad moods. Right at the beginning of Month 6, Liam popped his second tooth. Not sure if it’s teething or just all the crazy developing and learning he’s doing, but Liam is veeeeery moody and cranky this month. We started feeding him purees more regularly. Orange foods are a big hit, especially carrots and sweet potato. Banana is awful. L hates it with a fiery passion.

I finally got myself to my doctor and started taking medication for my Post Partum Depression. To cheer myself up, I went out and dyed my hair purple and blue. Woo! I also tried to get out as much as possible. We started seeing the April Ottawa Moms more regularly and tried to meet up with Liam’s auntie J and his cousins, E and W. Playgroup is every Tuesday and we’re starting to make some new friends there too. I won a stroller and a carrier, neither of which we need and are planning on selling. (Here and here if you’re interested)

Stats for Month 6

20.8lbs, 28″ tall Our big boy!

• Diaper Size: Pampers Swaddlers 3
• Clothing Size: 9-12 and 12-18 Months
• Favourite Clothes: Old Navy long sleeved onesies, jeans. R2D2 Robeez, Old Navy Hat, sweaters
• Nicknames: Monkey, Baby, Little Man, Duder
• Can stay seated on his own now
• Scooting backwards and going in circles
• Got his 2nd tooth on the 16th of October
• Lots of biting, so we think tooth #3 is on its way
• Ordered a glider (FINALLY)
• Celebrated his first Halloween (Went as Capt’n Picard and a Dragon)
• While upset, cried out “MAMA!”
• Learned to clap
• Learned to wave
• Drank from a cup
• Swung on a swing for the first time

Our Serious boy, photo by Lindsay Doak

Fall baby

Dad and Capt’n Jean Luc Picard

;

Princess Mom and her dragon

Capt’n Picard and his Buddies, photo by Michelle Hughes

;

Nomming on an apple

Out for a walk with Mom

;

Playing on the floor

Playing with his favourite toy – tupperware

;

Swinging! Photo by Lindsay Doak

This post was started several months ago. Life has a funny way of taking over. So, I’ll pick things up where I left off.

3-4 Months (July and August)

It’s been a crazy month. We saw so much change and growth in Liam during this time.

The month started with my first trip to the Well Baby drop-ins. It was a bit awkward, bringing him in at 3 months as that’s usually the cut off point for the service. The ladies there assured me it was fine and told me I was welcome to bring him back again. Unfortunately, I also had my first real dose of Guilting. Right outside of the drop-ins is a family cafe. They have a play room on site and supposedly welcome families of all kinds, with babies of all ages. I ordered an ice coffee for myself and was immediately asked if I meant decaf. I said no. They then clarified with me 3 more times. Ugh.

The beginning of Month 3 started with some big time fussiness. He was clingy and moody. According to the extremely helpful “Wonder Weeks” app, he was right in the middle of a development routine. Unfortunately, it seems like our little dude was hit by a lot all at once. We think he started teething, had some growing pains, bad gas, and was going through a lot of development stuff. It was not a fun time and it lasted for weeks. We tried all sorts of things to help – every trick we could think of for teething relief, including some homeopathic meds that were recommended to us, amber necklace, cold washcloths, chewing toys, tempra, advil, etc… etc… Nothing seems to be helping.

Meanwhile, to deal with his gas, I decided to majorly cut down on milk and milk products (Normally, I have 2-3 glasses a day, cereal, tea, and tons of cheese). We haven’t seen any major difference so far in Liam, but I’ve definitely noticed my belly is much happier with limited dairy, and I can really feel it when I give in to cheesy temptation. It’s been hard,

Stats for Month 3

Started out Month 3 at 16 lbs, 9oz.

• Diaper Size: Pampers Swaddlers 3
• Clothing Size: 6-9 Months, and just a couple of his bigger 3-6 months
• Favourite Clothes: Rompers from Carters continue to be winners, as well as some really cute summer wear from Children’s Place (specifically, his plaid shorts)
• Nicknames: Monkey, Baby, Goober, L, Little Man
• Went to Cousin E’s first birthday party
• Grasped an object for the first time
• Loves playing with his feet and is drooling a lot
• I was diagnosed with PPD
• Went to see Ted with us during Stars and Strollers
• Went for a day trip to the Arboretum
• Wore his first kilt! Attended the Glengarry Highland Games with Auntie S, Uncle K, his cousins and us. Ran into the Sutherlands.
• Celebrated Nanny’s Birthday
• Fell in LOVE with his Jumperoo
• Sat in highchair for the first time
• Started swim classes

Sitting in the high chair for the first time

One of the many faces of Liam

Favourite Hobby – Playing with his feet

Just after BFing in public for the first time at the Arboretum

Boys and their toys

And now, for the more recent update that I’ve been meaning to write forever.

4-5 Months Old (August and September)

Liam’s fourth month started with us trying to find a way to get more sleep. Night times were not going well, and as much as I loved the idea of cosleeping, it just wasn’t a good fit for us in our Queen sized bed. We moved his crib from the nursery into our room and had great success moving him out of our bed into his own.

I also started taking my PPD more seriously. I made more plans with friends and Pat and I went on our longest date night yet – Dinner and Batman. Pat went out with his sister and I had my first whole day and night with Liam, which showed me I could handle being a Mom without backup. Midway through the month, despite L having a cold, things seemed like they were finally turning around for us. He slept 6 hours straight one night and really seemed to be heading in the direction of “Sleeping through the night”.

Teething took off at full force. Liam started chewing on EVERYTHING and seemed very sore and suddenly unhappy so we started trying Camilia and Advil. All of our progress with sleep took a dive and he went back to a max of 2hrs at a time.

We got our little man a Jolly Jumper and he totally fell in love. Closer to the end of the month we tried rice cereal in the evening to see if it would help him sleep longer, at the recommendation and encouragement of friends and family. Unfortunately, it just seemed to make him more gassy and uncomfortable.

Stats for Month 4

Started out Month 4 at 17 lbs, 12oz. 67cm tall

• Diaper Size: Pampers Swaddlers 3
• Clothing Size: 6-9 Months
• Favourite Clothes: Rompers from Carters continue to be winners, as well as some really cute summer wear from Children’s Place (specifically, his plaid shorts)
• Nicknames: Monkey, Baby, Goober, L, Little Man, Dude, Jumpin’ Jelly Bean, Silly Boy
• Got his first real cold
• Moved into his crib and slept through the night for a few nights
• Cousin Cassidy was born
• Hung out with some of my online forum friends – 14 babies and 14 moms!
• Rolled back to front
• Finished swim classes and started Mommy and Baby yoga
• I won a Pamper’s contest and got vouchers for diapers and wipes
• Fell in love with the Jolly Jumper
• Went to L&M’s birthday party
• Day trip to Orleans to hang out with my highschool friend, Steph, and her two girls and her husband.
• Visited Pat at work
• Auntie Stacie came by for a visit
• Went downtown with friends from University and their kids
• Went to a restaurant to celebrate Auntie K’s 30th Birthday

Snoozing with Dad

Ready for some fun in the sun

Not so sure about swim class

CHEW ALL THE THINGS

How I now get him to sleep. Gods bless the yoga ball

Out for a walk without the car seat! Biiiig boy!

5-6 Months Old (September and October)

Month 5 was a crazy one. Loooots of development! With the lack of sleep, I started looking into development milestones with the Wonder Weeks book, as well as sleep training. Lots going on in Liam’s little body. He started rolling both ways, he got his first tooth, he started babbling Dadadadadaaaaaa. We had him trying solid foods, as an attempt at BLW (Baby Led Weaning), which isn’t going well. He also started playing strange. On a date night, Pat and I returned from an advanced screening of Looper to find out that Liam had spent the whole evening crying for us.

In an attempt to make new friends, I also started attending the local playgroups at the Early Years Center and I continued to attend events held by the WB Ottawa Moms.We continued to visit with friends and family and stay active by getting out for walks and shopping trips.

Unfortunately, this is the month that sleep got even worse, which led to my PPD getting ve, ry bad. I started seeing a therapist, which has started to help.

Stats for Month 5

Unsure on weight – Didn’t get weighed or measured this month

• Diaper Size: Pampers Swaddlers 3
• Clothing Size: 6-9 Months
• Favourite Clothes: Moving away from summer wear – Sleepers, jeans, and long sleeved onesies,
• Nicknames: Monkey, MonkeyRoo, Baby, Goober, L, Little Man, Dude, Jumpin’ Jelly Bean, Silly Boy
• Rolled front to back, and started rolling in his sleep (which made for some bad nights)
• Was able to stay seated on his own, briefly
• Grasped at toys
• Started babbling
• Got first and second tooth
• Went apple picking
• Tried frozen banana (yuck), avacado (yuck), carrot (yuck), potato (yuck), jello (long story, and yuck), apple (yuuum) and sweet potato puree (yuuuum! We have a winner)
• Drank water from a sippy cup and loved it
• Thanksgiving with my in laws.
• His one and true love is named JJ – The jolly jumper. He is truly at his happiest when he’s jumping.

My big boy! Ready for the fall

Time for some bouncin’

NOT a fan of frozen banana

Handsome boy

Ready for some colder weather

FINALLY! Definitely not the way I’d prefer to update this, but I am proud to have gotten caught up. It’s been a crazy three months. I love how much personality he has. We’re now about halfway through 6 months and I can’t believe how big and active he is. He’s a blast and growing like a weed. Hopefully he’ll give me a bit of time to keep y’all informed on our adventures. Here’s hoping!

Things have been rough lately. I’ve been feeling almost as low as when Liam was first born.

I’ve been struggling with what seems to be the deadly combo of a teething baby, going through his 6 month growth spurt, with his first cold of the season. He hasn’t slept more than 2 hours at a time in weeks. Normally, I get maybe 2 hours initially and then he drops to an hour and a half, then to an hour and then down to 45-30 minutes. The only thing that’ll calm him is nursing.

This past week, I started having trouble falling asleep. I sat awake from 1-4am, begging myself to sleep. At some point Pat noticed me struggling and he sat up with me and talked me through it.

I am getting through, mostly thanks to Pat, tea and sheer determination. I’m seeing a new therapist, which is good, but is still in the “dredge everything up” phase of introduction. It’s like seeing a chiropractor for the first time. After the first set of adjustments you feel awesome. Later that night you start to feel worse than you did initially and wonder why the hell you paid someone to do this to you, even though its just your body healing and getting used to being put together properly.

I have been trying hard to combat the isolation and loneliness by going out and meeting people, seeing friends, etc… It’s hard though. I feel like the broken toy, the wet blanket. I don’t feel like I bring anything to the table. I don’t know how to ask for support.

Today marks 6 months since my son was born. It’s been such a roller coaster. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but we’re still adjusting.

In about an hour, my first therapy session for PPD will be starting. I’m nervous, scared and hopeful. I’ve had two cups of perfectly milky, sweet, and strong English Breakfast tea while snuggled up with Liam this morning. The house is cool with fall air.

I love this time of year. Despite the impending winter rest, it feels like an exciting time of beginnings. I feel inspired to write, to knit and even paint. I feel everything so much more strongly, like a fog has been lifted.

I hope this new beginning leads us down a path of balance and health. I hope it provides me with the tools to get through this. I’m feeling optimistic about it.

I keep trying to plug away at Liam’s 4 month post (and now 5 month post). Knowing I have those to do, I freeze. I don’t know how to write until I get those done. The pressure I put on myself is ridiculous, and I’m starting to realise that I have more important things to worry about. I enjoy posting, so why sabotage myself?

 

Monday is the anniversary of my dad’s death. It will be four years since he died suddenly at home. My whole life changed that day. Every year, around this time, I find myself struggling. I don’t sleep well, I get moody, and I want to hide away with a giant cake, 15 blankets, a gallon of tea and a good book. As a mom, I don’t get that option anymore. I need to keep pressing on. I need to survive on a max of 6 hours interrupted sleep in a 12 hr period. I need to smile, laugh, sing and dance through puke, screams, teething and poopsplosions. Luckily, my kid is adorable, sassy and incredibly charming. 

 

I look for comfort in other places. I will make a pot of tea like I used to for Dad and I. I will use the tea cups he bought me because he knew I’d appreciate them. I will call my sister and we will do what we can to make each other laugh, despite how sad we both feel. 

 

Yesterday, I pulled this old thing out

 

This thing has been around forever. Mum had to send box tabs from Tang boxes to get it. For some reason, I always thought juice tasted better when served from it. It’s a small reminder of my childhood, back before things got complicated by half siblings, drama with estates and illness. Back when my parents’ best friends were aunts and uncles to me, not someone I had to impress and party with to stay on their good side. 

 

Remembering life with my parents and my sister helps me figure out how I want to raise Liam. The kind of people I want around him and the kind of experiences I want him to have. It’s sad, but at the same time, there are so many beautiful times to remember. So many sweet little things to draw comfort from. 

 

I’ll get to our milestone posts when I can. In the mean time, I’m going to post more random things when I can. 

I’ve talked about this before, and for those of you who have been reading me for a while are well aware that I’ve struggled with mental illness for most of my life. Depression and social anxiety are two big ones for me. When I was pregnant with Liam, I was warned to expect the hormone shift after birth. I was told to expect it to hit me about 3 days after birth, and that I would cry for about a week or so. I was told that it would most likely hit me harder because of my history with depression.

I was entirely unprepared for what would happen. It was right on time, about 3 days after Liam arrived. I found myself crying over nothing. Over everything. Then the darkness crept in. I was completely overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy, isolation, terror, worthlessness and panic. I was having flashbacks to labour, I couldn’t sleep or eat. I was having panic attacks over naps and snacks. I felt so incredibly alone and considered running away and in my lowest moments, I thought that everyone would be better off without me.

Luckily, I was very vocal about what I was going through. I talked through it with Pat, my sister and Pat’s BFF, Jan. We pinpointed what was triggering me and I was able to avoid those triggers. They gave me unending support and love and eventually, I started to see the light again. The darkness started to fade, a little bit more each day.

As it happens, my triggers included social media (my forums, facebook, twitter. I was focusing on the negative in each of these groups), stressing myself out over “Sleep when baby sleeps”, and being overwhelmed by options for food. I coped by taking a break from the internet, by doing whatever i wanted when liam slept, and eating whatever was brought to me.

About a month and a half after Liam arrived, I was feeling really good. Things were like night and day. I felt way more confident in myself and my ability to handle being alone with our boy. Unfortunately, as these things go, it’s a rollercoaster. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed I was feeling low. A lot. I was having a hard time dealing with rough days. I was crying more and more often. This past week, I finally admitted to myself that I’m not ok. I can’t keep ignoring this. I cry almost daily. I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I avoid social situations (including medical appointments) due to anxiety and stress. I feel very isolated.

On the 18th, I told Pat that I needed to see my doctor about this. I booked myself an appointment for Monday. I feel that this is important to discuss. I have learned recently that several of my close friends went through PPD after they had kids and I had had no idea. I wasn’t there for them like i could have been. I want people to know that this happens, that if they are going through it, that they aren’t alone.

I’m still in the middle of it, but I can see it now. I’m doing something about it. I’m repeating The Bloggess’ words to myself over and over again. “Depression Lies”. This is a part of me, but not all of me.

I will work through this.

I can’t believe that another month has already passed since my last post. I really did intend to post more often, but Liam has turned into Velcro Baby. Hopefully this coming month will give me a bit more freedom to get back into blogging. While 3 months doesn’t actually hit until tomorrow, I’m going to post this while I can.

So, this past month has been busy. With my recovery being almost complete, I’ve been getting out and doing more, as much as I can. Unfortunately, we’ve also noticed that Liam has become more and more fussy this month. Ovol and Tempra have saved us a number of times. Poor little man had some really miserable days. Luckily, it was also month two in which Liam started laughing out loud. Here’s a video I shot for my sister of him giggling a bit while we play (I’m repeating “Hajimemashite”, which is Japanese for something similar to “Pleased to meet you”):

We had some really fun events this month too! On the 22nd of June, I drove out to Kanata to meet up with 13 of the mommas from the forums that I frequented during my pregnancy (Used to be Babybells, but has since been moved to Canadian Family. This move was not well received so most of the posters I knew have moved on to Buzzle). With these 13 moms came their 13 babies,

13 April Babies!

It was AWESOME. It was my first Mommy Date and I had a great time. it was so nice to be out with a bunch of ladies in the same place as me, who have been there for me online for 9 months. Since then, I’ve been to the movies with a couple of them again to go see Brave with our little ones.

Pat and I also celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. We left Liam with his Nanna and Gammy for a few hours while we went out to The Keg for dinner. It was amazing and just what we needed. Amazing what a short break can do to renew your energy,

On our way to dinner at The Keg

We then celebrated Liam’s first Canada Day, first by visiting my in-laws and finally meeting the new addition to the family. After that, we went out to see S, K and their beautiful kids. We also took Liam to a restaurant for the first time to celebrate his Great Aunty Pony’s birthday. I was really nervous about it, but it went really well. Of course, we’ve been seeing Nanny and Gammy as much as possible.

This past week has been incredible. He’s rolled front to back with a bit of help from me. He’s slept through the night once. He had a 2 1/2 hour day time nap. He’s growing up!

We’ve noticed that Liam’s become much more of a little person. He’s developing a personality. We interact way more. He has toy preferences (Jacque the Peacock and Rusty the Robot, both by Lamaze) and now shows us when he’s tired by getting really cranky all of a sudden.

I’ve changed a lot too. I’m a lot more relaxed and confident in my ability to handle him. I still have some rough days (on my birthday, Pat left work early because I called him in tears after a specifically terrible day), but overall, Liam and I have started to develop a really good relationship and rhythm. We get up in the morning, I feed and change him. I then bring him downstairs where we play for a bit and I eat. I then feed him again, and then he naps. I watch a bit of TV (I’ve been catching up on Criminal Minds and chef Michael Smith’s Chef Abroad and Chef at Home) or read (my last read was Let’s Pretend This Never Happened by the incredible Jenny Lawson),  The cycle of play and nap then continues til about 5:30-6pm or so when Pat gets home. At one point, usually around 2pm, I take Liam upstairs for some tummy time and to read some books.

Once Pat’s home, I hand off baby and start on dinner. Once we’re done eating, which either happens during a nap or while L is on the activity mat (if we’re lucky. If we’re not, then one of us holds him while the other eats and then we switch). We then usually hang out until about 8pm when it’s time for a walk around the neighbourhood. Then it’s either bath or book time. Between 10-11:30, Liam goes down for his first real chunk of sleep. He then usually sleeps between 2-4 hours. Then he wakes every 2hrs or so to eat until about 6:30, when Pat gets up. Then he eats and sleeps for maybe another hour, hour and a half. We get up at 8am and the routine starts over.

Stats for the end of Month 2

We’re not sure on measurements, but we’ll know soon. I’m taking him in to a Well Baby drop in to get weighed on Monday.

• Diaper Size: Pampers Swaddlers 2
• Clothing Size: 3-6 Months, and some of those are too short now.
• Favourite Clothes: Rompers from Carters, sleeveless onesies from Old Navy and BABYLEGS (seriously the cutest things ever)
• Nicknames: Monkey, Baby, Goober, Pooper
• First Father’s Day! Daddy gets a T-shirt to match Liam’s onesie (still need to photograph this), and a GC to go pick up a tool of his choice from Home Depot (he’s currently debating between a Dewalt drill or a power washer).
• First shopping trip to Bayshore mall, Sobeys and Walmart.
• Started laughing and giggling
• Found his feet and hands
• Babysat by Gammy and Nanny for the first and second time! Did really well.
• Really really fussy. Most likely due to early teething and major development leaps
• Slept through the night for the first time. 7 hours!
• First restaurant visit!
• Grabbed Mum’s hair for the first time during tummy tickles
• Played outside for the first time. A big fan of grass
• Started grasping toys
• Got a new carrier which is AWESOME. It’s a Beco Gemini.
• Grasping, punching and wiggling a big development. Needs to spend some energy before sleeping.
• No longer fits in any of the bassinets. Went out and bought a Pack and Play/Playard. it has been worth EVERY penny. He sleeps so well in it! Best nap times ever.

Nap time with me

My beautiful boy

So strong!

BABY LEGS!!!

Not too sure about the Bumbo

Where has the time gone? I remember sitting on my ugly orange chair, the one I inherited from Mum’s best friend in high school, the one that I camped out in during all-nighter essay writing sessions when I was in University, holding you, staring at you and thinking “I can’t do this. What have I done? I’ll never survive the six weeks of recovery” simultaneously as I felt more love than I’ve ever felt before.

First Month:

The first month was hard. So very hard. And wonderful. It was one of those times in life that were so balanced between absolutely awful and amazingly beautiful that I was able to get through. After my very difficult labour, I spent a few days in the hospital with Pat and Liam. Gradually, I got to the point that I could walk on my own and began eating again (though I still hadn’t slept), so I was discharged. I’d like to point out that sleep deprivation is a method of torture, and for good reason. The combination of my hormone drop, my hard recovery, terror over being a new parent, and the trauma of the birth left me in a really bad mind space.

I was absolutely and totally engulfed in extreme post-partum depression. I considered suicide. I considered running away. I thought about how I had ruined our lives with this baby, that the baby deserved so much better than me, that I could NOT be trusted to care for him. I couldn’t sleep because the moment I closed my eyes I would immediately have a flashback nightmare to the worst parts of the labour (to the point that I cried out and flailed, as though in the moment again). Later, once the flashbacks faded, I had managed to stress myself out so badly with the mantra of “Sleep when he sleeps” that I was having breakdowns over failing even at the most simple task – sleep. I would have full panic attacks when I would try to nap, because of the pressure I was putting on myself to sleep while the baby slept. I couldn’t eat but I was so hungry all the time, and so nauseated as a result (no one had told me this would be a side effect of the spinal block and the surgery. I thought it was my fault). I think I survived one minute a time. I ate a lot of fruit, oatmeal and Special K bars. I cried all the time.

I was told, no, I was promised that it would get better. I didn’t believe it, but it was true. Jan, Tracy, and, of course, Pat carried me through this time. They were my cheerleaders, my nurses, my family.. They held me at 3am when I sobbed over my nursing baby. They gave me things to look forward to. They fed me, they let me shower and get away. I had no idea that I would be emotionally, mentally and spiritually damaged by birth, and they helped me heal in every way, I discovered friends in places I had neglected or forgotten. A co-worker of mine from years ago texted me through the night and talked me through rough times. She made us meals and assured me that we would not only get through it, but thrive. One of Pat’s co-workers cooked for us, one of my friends from the old Knit Nights and now LSGP kept the LSGP community updated on my state.

Through this healing, I decided to step away from the internet for a while, as I was finding I was only focusing on the hard and awful. That decision made a huge difference for me. Jan told me, instead of stressing about napping, rest and find peace in doing things I enjoy. I’ll sleep when I sleep. Suddenly, I was able to see the good again. There was so much good, how had I missed it?

By the end of week 2, I started watching movies with Tracy, spending real time with her again. We loved dressing Liam up and playing with him. I started laughing again. Breastfeeding was going really well. My little man latched like a champ and my boobs no longer hurt like hell. Once Tracy had returned home, Pat and I started spending quality time with our boy. We marvelled at his beauty, his strength. He was ours and he was perfect. We started feeling more confident. We were sleeping in our own bed again (previously, we were on the couches, because I couldn’t handle the stairs and needed to be propped up. Liam slept with me, on my chest).

We had a bit of a scare, with some lumps we found on his neck. We took you to see a pediatrician at the hospital and she said he was healthy and perfect. It was a scary time, but we are so happy to know that he is fine!

Pat went back to work on the 7th, and I was terrified. Somehow, despite being so sure that I would fail just a couple of weeks before, I had a great week at home with Liam. We played, we sang. He started to smile and my heart burst with joy. His first month ended with my very first Mother’s Day, which was so perfect.

Stolen from the amazing elefantitas alegras, here are Liam’s stats for Month 1

Born at 9lbs, 1oz and 22 inches.

- Diaper Size: Pampers Swaddlers NB

- Clothing Size: NB and 0-3.

- Favourite Clothes: Sleepers from Children’s Place and onesie’s from Carter’s

- Nicknames – Jumping Jelly Bean, Jelly Bean, Bean, Bug, Grenouille, Froggie, Little Man, Dude, L.

- First Movie (in basement) – Captain America

- Met friends and family, including Auntie Tracy, Aunt Jodie, Uncle Colin, Cousin Elliot, Auntie Sarah, Uncle Kyle, Cousins Annabelle and Eamonn, Aunt Kina, Uncle Rick, Aunt Stacie, Nanny Jan, Gammy Cathy, Aunties Megan, Katie, Rachael, and Brenda, Nanny Mila, Auntie Leigh.

- Started Smiling at 2 weeks

- Started “chatting” at the end of the month

- Tries to hold head up on his own

- First Road Trip – April 30, to visit Auntie Sarah, Uncle Kyle and Cousins.

- First photoshoot – May 3, Newborn photos.

- First Mother’s Day – May 13

Me and Liam

Dad and Liam

Tracy and Liam

Liam and his new smile

One Month Old

My baby is now a month old. Such an important milestone. We did it. We got through the first month. I’m feeling much stronger at this point. I can do stairs, I can do minor housework. I started taking Liam out for walks in the stroller and for drives in the car (even if it was just to get a latte at Starbucks, it was a big deal for me).

Liam started to have gas issues, which resulted in much crying and fussing during feedings and at night. Ovol is a lifesaver for us.

It was a major adjustment, trying to handle all the night feeds and diaper changes on my own so that Pat could sleep. We are still adjusting to our new roles and schedules. I started recognizing Liam’s routines and started integrating play and song into our day. Mornings are my favourite time, as they have been since he was born. He’s just so happy and alert in the morning. Night time stresses me out, and it took until midway through this month for me to calm down and let Pat help at night, which has let us all relax a bit.

Late in the month I start seeing that Liam loves wiggle time, so I pull out the activity mat we got from Pat’s aunt and uncle and Liam LOVES it. Near the end of the month he’s grabbing and pushing the dangly toys. He’s even grasped and held a rattle!

He’s starting to enjoy baths a bit more, but they are still a chore. We did have our first run in with diaper rash, as well as Liam’s first cold and trip to our family doctor.

The weather turned quite hot here and we discovered that Liam HATES the heat. He gets really fussy and refuses to eat, which wasn’t great when we visited Nanny Jan’s when she didn’t have A/C.

Liam is still sleeping with us, which while not recommended, works best for our family. That said, he did sleep in his cradle for his first night time sleep chunk all on his own. Pat and I, of course, couldn’t sleep at all with him out of our bed, but it was still a huge victory for us. Also, he now naps in his bassinet during the day.

Liam now has a favourite song – You Are My Sunshine. Pat sings it to him all the time and now its one of the things that calm him down when he’s upset. Diaper changes are his favourite time. He smiles and plays and is a dream while he’s on his back. We play and I tickle him while cleaning him up.He’s gone up two diaper sizes! He’s growing so fast. We’ve had to pack away from of his newborn onesies because they don’t fit anymore, making me so proud and a little sad. He’s making so many more noises and sounds. We love it! His expressions continue to change and now he looks more like his Dad than me.

At the end of his 1st month, he weighs, 13lbs and is about 25 inches.

- Diaper Size: Pampers Swaddlers 2

- Clothing Size: A mix of 3 month and 6 month.

- Favourite Clothes: Owl onesie from Tracy, new clothes from Old Navy.

- Nicknames: Monkey, Baby Monkey, Little Man, Dude.

- First shopping trip to Bayshore mall, Sobeys and Walmart.

- First Movie (in a theatre) – What to Expect When Your Expecting

-Started babywearing, mostly in a snugli (which is what we use when we’re out and about) and have tried a Moby.

- Cousin Wesley born, June 4th.

- Grasping, punching and wiggling a big development. Needs to spend some energy before sleeping.

Big smiles

Part of our life <3

Night time feed <3

His face has changed so much!

Wiggle time on the activity mat